avant

#308: deterrence

2012-01-23T09:43:00.001+08:00

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR YOU GUYS :-)

gonna be a long day today with visiting and whatnot, but i'd rather a long long day having fun than studying and all the crap you do in school.

hopefully i get photos today (i'm actually bringing my golden half along so idk if i will hahahaha) and all. have a blast everybody :>

#307: decadence

2012-01-21T21:46:00.002+08:00

i've had utmost faith and belief in you for the longest time, and it sickens me that you didn't even bother to make amends for what this had become. it sickens me how selfish we've both become, and how i'm still in the process of figuring this out while you still have no clue.

i guess studies are all that can ever distract me though and precisely because they occupy the most space in my head. i don't want to know about you, i don't care about you and i obviously don't want to have anything to do with you. absolute treachery.

dispensable to you, dispensable to everybody

#306: compression

2012-01-17T20:21:00.004+08:00

these are the days i miss quite much amid all this chaotic work and small gaps of free time these days
it's funny how i never see the true beauty and enjoyment in something till it's far gone, but then again, at least i appreciate it in some way. i guess in times of crisis, God's presence is everywhere, and faith surmounting to more than anything else, i'm led out of it. i'm just thankful for everything in the hugest way possible

oh also, i bear no resemblance to my brother whatsoever, and there's lots i'm already hoping to do and i hardly have time, but i'll find a way.

people are more than we really think, eh?
this is just a huge post of misfitted thoughts because i've had so much to think through in my time of studying, revising and slogging, and no where to write it up on, so i'm glad i've got time now, though i'm highly suspicious that i've forgotten something. oh and, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT FOR THE WEEKENDS. THIS WEEKEND ESPECIALLY. CHINESE NEW YEAR + EXTENDED WEEKEND I DON'T WANT TO EVER END.

#305: goodness

2012-01-13T21:59:00.004+08:00

life's a bore but i'm struggling to keep my head above the water in this agonising school week. it's the first official week of the term, gotta keep positive. i just want to give this my absolute 200% and reap what i sow later, not sure how long i'll keep this up, but for as long as it goes, i know i can try.

God has just been the most gracious and most amazing ever, faithfully getting me through my days and my week in almost every possible way, regardless of how weak i am or how i'm about to crumble. glory to God, really, really, really.

You are my God, You are my Saviour

#304: neglect

2012-01-07T09:59:00.002+08:00

i certainly hope service today goes well and i get to tuition on time afterwards :-) it might sound weird but when it comes to service, i'm always looking forward more to the spiritual aspect and not so much the mingling and physical aspect. it's amazing to see what God can do just like He's always done, whether you notice it or not. God is amazing :-)
the first schooling week is over and mine's been such a breeze HAHAHAHAH i know people would've probably died in the hectic schedules of the transitioning phase of a new year, and i foresee that coming to me soon, so i really hope it gets better before it can get worse, or that i'm prepared for the worst!
ok thinking about how imma leave halfway through service later's got me a lil terrified :'-( ah well stop worrying and start doing. enough of that, have a pleasant week ahead everyone!!!! i can't wait for chinese new year :')

#303: beginnings

2012-01-04T17:32:00.006+08:00

(and other stuff)

HAPPY POST NUMBER 3OH3 (i like this number because it's cool to gesture with your hands hahahaha)
and this is extremely late, but Happy New Year to anyone who even reads this small space! ever since i changed my url a few years back and i didn't keep many links/give out my link + hardly anyone blogs these days, i think hardly anyone reads this space but i keep it here anyway (because like any other normal person, i enjoy talking to myself when no one listens hahahaha /conceited/)

let's review my plans for this year (some i spontaneously came up with actually haha) before i talk about my resolutions:

MY 2012 PLAN
1) the first 7 months of this year will be no fun because of o's. damn you o's.
2) i actually plan to study my ass off for o's, starting early and being consistent, but i don't know how that will work out. either way, i need to make it.
3) i kind of plan to actually work harder on bio and ss. SHOCKER.
4) those plans include actually finally passing + acing SPA /fist wave of determination/
5) i don't actually have a plan for my holidays before o's (wait, i don't even think anything counts as a 'holiday' before o's even if it is. block testing + prelims + class tests + semester tests + term tests + ORP all the way, i'm glad my birthday comes after o's LOOOOL)
6) excited for prom even now /kanchiong spider/ so maybe weeks before o's i oughta get a dress and stuff so i don't half-ass it afterwards in a haste
7) and of course, after o's, i honestly want to do something productive with my life (i think if my face and height can make it, i should seriously apply for a job at those online stores i frequent/check to model HAHAHAHA JOKE but it sounds ideal. years of camwhoring finally put to good use. in case that fails, in which case i am already 98% certain and ready for, i'm always ready to go job-hunting)
8) maybe i'll do volunteer work or learn a new skill (i doubt it lol i'll spend my days nua-ing and shopping /guilty/)

so generally this is all i've got and most of it involves studying i'm not even prepared to do like right now i'm on 3 days MC for camp and i'm supposed to be reading/studying bio right now but... HA. maybe i'll read for a while later after reading the Bible before dinner

AND ON TO MY RESOLUTIONS. i've actually written this almost everywhere bc i need to constantly remind myself of what i set out for this year. unlike last year when i unknowingly didn't even set resolutions for myself (which i honestly still can't believe till now) and as arsed as it sounds my whole year ended up a flop because i had no goals in mind and failed almost everything till i realised the severity of the whole situation lol /loser/

MY RESOLUTIONS FOR 2012
1) Do what I set out to do all well and within deadline
I half-ass almost everything so this is important. I'm living and swearing by this for this year. I CANNOT HALF-ASS ANY ASSIGNMENT/TEST/EXAM/WORKSHEET/PROJECT.

2) Be a better person to everyone
I honestly think I don't watch what I say half the time and hurt people's feelings HAHAH I guess I'm actually a nice person /shot/ but I tend to be too sarcastic and direct, especially to my mom more than anyone, so I hurt her most (which leads me to resolution #3), so I have to make an effort to be nicer to everyone this year, which involves doing more good if I can

3) Be more respectful and loving to my parents
I talk to my parents and treat them like they're my friends but sometimes I oughtta show them how much I love them and give them the respect they deserve too /guilt/

4) Be contented and thankful for simple things
I don't think I have to explain how much we ought to thank God to be able to live through a new day every single day. To wake up alive in this chaotic world is just a huge blessing.

5) Remain faithful to God; to leave more of my life in His hands
I probably won't be a big part of church this year because of o's and my parents' wishes, so I've pledged to still do my best to incorporate more of God in my life every week. Time with God is time of peace at heart. I need more of that, this year especially.

6) Stay close to old friends
I've lost a lot of people in my life, but found more who matter and I absolutely cannot afford to lose them, especially in a year so full of hectic days, struggles and of a graduation.

7) To enjoy the present and relax as much as I study
I take a break for 2 hours when I only studied for 10 minutes and I always have doubts about tomorrow so no more this year. Today shall be what I focus on. Tomorrow will be fine with God.

8) Do what I deem fit
I probably should have realised earlier that I don't have to live in the shadow of others so I've got to take steps out for myself more and go crazy if I want to. But I honestly don't because I'm too worried about what I appear like LOOOOOOOOL

9) Take better care of myself, both inside and out
My health is a mess and I'm hoping to kind of make amends for it this year. Same goes for my fashion sense (TROLOLOLOL) so I honestly have to start dressing better, trying more new things fashion-wise and stop being too self-concious, which I doubt possible but who knows?

10) Save more
Money, electricity, paper etc etc

11) Take more (glam) photos
Seriously self-explanatory okay hahaha

12) WORK HARDER FOR O'S
I just thought I'd put this as a separate resolution to remind myself to do it HAHAHA

ok that's all i've got i'm such an ambitious bitch i gotta go get started on reading now!!!! i hope 2012's everything everyone wants it to be and more! here's to a better year ahead!

PS, considering posting this on LJ as well hmmm

#302: 'awesome pawsome' △

2011-12-30T09:09:00.006+08:00

this is a recollection of the week i very much loved, spent with people so amazing i can't begin to describe how great they are :-) let's start from saturday (since cheryl finally uploaded the photos) which i'll just narrate:

i think everyone was relatively early/on time, which i know, we (me included LOL) never are. this just shows how much they loved each other or how bored they are at home hahahaha. apparently they played monopoly deal from 11 - some time before i arrived and they got bored haha

so when i got there, we were watching TVn before we gave up and decided to head to cheryl's room to nua and eat (this is my our lifestyle hahahaha) for about half an hour, before we got bored. so, niko, shingz and jo discovered

A WII!!!!! /applause

jo plugged it in while i got the channels right and we've yet to claim our workers' fee for it hahaha everyone refuses to pay for our good service /blatant/
this is shingz creating her character while niko trolls on her, adding moustaches/beards TROLOLOLOL 8D

sally wasn't feeling too well that day + her monthly subscription made it worse, so lulu was reading her fanfictions next to sally to accompany her LOLOL

this was what shingz did while snacking and cheryl was changing hahaha

so cheryl was trying on heels and they were mega high, which gave kerri and i a chance to take a turn at it and feel tall for once LOLOLOL

that is, until the ultimate height-joke troll comes along /rage/

then cheryl and i got distracted and watched comedic videos (get your mind out of the gutter) while waiting for our turn to get a go at the wii (well it was more of me haha), so lulu, shingz and kerri camwhored in the meantime

but of course, we get coaxed to join them, soon enough (me first hehe). most of the pictures end up mal-focused (not a real word ok) but it works anyway

my favourite photo!!!!!! too bad it's blur ;-(

JO BE PHOTOBOMBIN'

awkward camwhoring moment haha

om nom nom-in'

and more om-nomin' and wii-ing

and just for laughs, i sacrificed my dignity and image to post an unglam photo of me (it's obvious by now)

PLAYING BASEBALL ON THE WII!!!!!!!!
and getting yelled at by jolene cause i missed almost everything, but scored TWO (T W O, NOT ONE BUT TWO) HOMERUNS IN A ROW!!! #BOSS

sally's not in this photo but i thought i'd use it anyway because i wanna keep the rest of the photos exclusive (HAHAHAHAHAH for real okay). gotta go finish the rest of the stuff on my list when i get back from tuition now that the photos are up!!!

and moving on to yesterday, where i met my faveeeeee in town for a movie :*
we planned to watch New Year's Eve and honestly, we spent hours searching for a good timing at a good theatre/location the previous day to watch it at and when we got there, NO SEATS. /facepalm/ so we decided to watch We Bought A Zoo instead, which was almost sold out (lol figures), so we had to take the front row (and walked in and out like bosses)
the whole album is full of camwhore photos so there's nothing much to narrate, but i'll narrate anyway 8D

i met her at around 3+ at orchard mrt since she was already in the vicinity with another friend from early in the morning, so afterwards i grabbed a milk tea and we walked all the way to shaw lido (why does using 'all the way' make it seem so excrutiatingly far? LOL)

this was at a display window outside isetan below the theatres!!! doesn't it just overwhelm you seeing all the gorgeous bottles of ck cologne/perfume? LOOOOOL my brother got a bottle in taiwan, i can't remember if it was ck blue or ck free, but he tested it on me and i had a headache the whole way back (nothing wrong with the cologne, i'm just sensitive to strong/overwhelming scents cause no one at home uses perfume/cologne/deodorant except him so i've never been used to it)

while we were happily seated after getting our tickets, we talked a lot and camwhored even more. HAHAHA. this is the pretty + trademark view that shaw lido promises as long as its location remains unchanged (i sound like i'm promoting the theatre what is this)

i brought my golden half (i probably didn't mention this but mumsy got me a golden half for christmas and my cousin somehow telepathically knew i wanted a blackbird, fly, so she ended up getting me one by chance. now both of them are crossed off my list :> actually they've been crossed off since last week but i'm only mentioning it now LOL) and shingz couldn't stop laughing at the fact that: 1) it was tiny and 2) it looked like a fake camera (which is the point since it's a novelty toy camera, but it's hard to camwhore with without being scrutinized LOLOLOL so we camwhored on the escalator and people stared at us, and i told her "hurry take out your dslr so we don't look un-hip/cui" HAHAHA i meant it as a joke though, since a golden half is more hipster/hip than any other camera any other n00bz who have can look down on us on /insistent/ ^^)

it's absolutely tiny, which most people often underestimate it because of/don't understand
this was taken on our walk to OC to camwhore at the rooftop garden. only one problem:

I DIDN'T REALISE IT WOULD BE MOST CONVENIENTLY ACCESSIBLE BY OUTDOOR ESCALATOR. AND I HAVE A MORBID, MORBID, TERRIBLY MORBID + DISASTROUS FEAR OF HEIGHTS. I'M PETRIFIED AT ANYTHING HIGH ABOVE ROADS/PEOPLE/WATER/ETC. AS LONG AS IT'S HIGH.
actually i didn't even know there was a rooftop garden there at all lol this was my first time going there.
and if you think that looks bad, there were THREE OF THESE ESCALATORS. I WAS CLINGING ON TO THEM FOR MY LIFE AND I DUG MY LEGS INTO THOSE TEETH ON THE ESCALATOR STEPS (and the scars on my legs there remain). i absolutely abhor escalator rides too high up cause i've always had recurring nightmares where i fell off those escalators

i don't know if you can tell how desperately i am trying not to turn/open my eyes, and that's why i'm laughing it off and trying to camwhore HAHAHA /desperate/

i don't understand how that man can take a photo while i'm dying here just going up facing one side

looks like i've cried? you don't know the half of it :-(

on the way down (phew) and i just realised how i look so cui here but i'm too lazy + taxed for time to look for another photo so what you see is what you get lol /4ttn wh0r3/

on the second escalator down!!! can you see the real joy in my eyes!!!!!!

and that's just about it, cause afterwards, we just camwhored and walked to dg from somerset and took the circle line home. oh, and i probably should mention that the movie wasn't half bad. it's kinda one of those self-discovery and inspirational chick flicks. i love chick flicks quite a fair bit so i didn't find it boring (there are some other chick flicks i actually found boring before, which obviously means they kinda suck lol but to each his own, different people have different tolerance levels). the whole day, shingz and i kept misusing this amazing quote from the movie:

All you need is 20 seconds of courage - 20 seconds of insane embarrassment - and i promise you, good things will come of it

to be honest, it's a perfectly good and logical quote to live by. which is why she should be thankful we watched this movie, or i never would've gotten on the escalator with her all the way up TROLOLOLOL. but yeah it was a good movie. the plot was kinda nice, hard to comprehend at some points, but i thought it was nicely strung along.

ok lololol i've got tuition later. killer, but at least i get the time to finish my math homework >:) ok bye peepoz i needa rush stuff when i get back

#301: sunset

2011-12-28T17:17:00.002+08:00

i would have more things to update if cheryl would've uploaded the saturday album by now because i honestly need to finish off all the little last things from my list, but i can't because most or all of them need the photos from saturday, so i'm stuck with nothing to do. figures.
i just wish she'd finally find the time to do it because i'm getting kinda frustrated leaving all my tasks half-done!!! but she's busy so i understand :-)

the week's at its mid. school resumes next week and truth be told, i'm not looking forward to camp at all, or next year. just hoping things go right, and right enough for me to give more time to other aspects apart from studying, while being able to cope with school. i've run out of things to say so toods xxx

#300: momentous

2011-12-25T13:24:00.005+08:00

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!

this year's Christmas is especially special to me because this was the year i started going to church and found and accepted Christ, so it's a nice thing to dwell amongst the people who love Him and celebrate His birth as well :-)
spent Christmas eve in the most amazing way, i can't and won't compare it to other years', but just know it was beyond lovely. service in the morning blew my mind because i absolutely loved and enjoyed Pastor Jeff's sermon yesterday, and the caroling and joyous mood was one to make the day ahead so much better. then i rushed off after service to meet everyone (shingz, cheryl, niko, jojo, sally, lulu and shan) over at Fort Cheryl (hehe) :* love them so much i have no words to describe it ♡ i guess they're my second family, they've always been there and i know they always will be, and i thank God for them ♡
later on in the night, after turkey and ham pre-dinners with the girls, catching up, more eating, joking, and wii-ing, i rushed off home to get ready for the annual family christmas pot-luck/gathering :-) i guess i didn't expect any much fun because i'm not close to my extended family, but i like the annual gatherings because they bring nostalgia and the christmas spirit and companionship every year, it's beautiful how you feel so happy there even when you're not really participating. i'm glad for that, and it's a pity how i only noticed now.

ok i've got tons to do since coming back!!! hardly had time to unpack, and i've still got a long list of pre-post holiday things to finish and i'm screwed because of the lack of time!!!! but i've enjoyed this holiday with no regrets, all braced for the year ahead, a year full of studies and hopefully a year more full of God and good times with family and friends. i hope i set my priorities straight and keep my goal in mind to manage my time! one more year of struggles and my holidays here i come hehe. in the meantime, happy remaining holidays guys, have a good Christmas!!!

PS, @arterivet ---> @rioteskke (I FINALLY FOUND THE BALLS + TIME TO CHANGE MY USERNAME LOL)

#299: broken

2011-12-19T16:51:00.002+08:00

It's like 4:51 in Taiwan like in singapore hahaha I'm kinda beat and can't decide if I should get lots of shoes and what kind, haha all I know is I miss singapore!!! I miss wi-fi and everything, I'm lucky if I get wi-fi here even fast enough to load and post stuff within fifteen minutes, but I'm glad I do have it anyway and I've been taking advantage of everything I've gotten recently, especially some opportunities that only come once and I'm glad. Missing people but I love the stuff here anyway, and the shopping!!!! I'm glad I don't have to worry about anything here hahah

Ok I should stop here, hope the trip gets better and I shop more (for stuff I actually dare to wear HAHA) in a while!!!! Everytime I get stuff, I don't dare to wear it what even /facepalm/ ok all my love, bye everyone!!!!!

#298: ashes

2011-12-14T13:41:00.003+08:00

i was supposed to blog since yesterday but i've been procrastinating so much.

well, i thought the chalet was pretty fun, and the company staying over was brilliant. (no pictures because i'm being a prick haha). we stayed up to 2.30 watching the repeated telecast of Kinship II (FLASHBACKS OMGOSH I REMEMBER HOW MUCH I USED TO LOVE THIS SHOW!!!! /FLAILS/) on channel 8 from 11.30 - 1.30 while waiting for some grad seniors to finish bathing before we finally got to bathe. i think by the time i managed to bathe and had finished, it was about 3am LOL. because of my body clock, i woke up at 7.11am the next monday morning all the same, half-dead and headache-stricken. so i came home half-dead, continued packing and took a 90 minute nap, then slept for 7 hours only at night, and woke up to continue packing a little again before heading out to meet Cheryl on tuesday hahahaha. we had so much of a good time talking, walking, shopping and just joking and roaming like we used to back when we had so much time, and it was just the two of us heading out. i haven't headed out as a duo in so long!!! i finally got mumsy's present for christmas, and the effort cheryl had to go to to help me was priceless, i love her so much :"> HAHAH and also, the story behind our trouble (or my trouble) in getting the present... hmmm. i guess it was so nice to have her around walking and helping me, and laughing again :-)

i watched 2 episodes of HIMYM season 6 this morning and i gave up because it was taking too long to load (i don't have the dvd, i probably should go get it soon!!!!) and then resumed packing with the finishing touches (my brother finished in 5 minutes just around 15 minutes before i started posting this because i was helping him fold everything nicely HAHA and i took three days, and i think i'm still not done, what even). i still have stuff i need to get i think, but mumsy's leave is only from tomorrow afternoon, so we've got to hurry before we head to the airport around 9+ to check in. I'M SO STOKED!!!!!!! but a part of me worries because of the things that could happen /paranoid/ and because the holidays are coming to an end and i'm not yet done with my work HAHAH /failure/

okay this has been long, i shall not eat till i'm hungry next to avoid gaining any more weight hahaha /fatty/. buh bye

#297: affinity

2011-12-11T11:35:00.003+08:00

much love for all you are

about to leave to meet kerri for starbucks soon, then heading off to hg to meet bel, then to downtown east to meet sheikha, j and d, and off to chalet by 3 :-)
chalet was one of the small reasons i couldn't go for all of KAIROS, and i'm pretty bummed because i missed it a little yesterday, but i hope today and chalet is all good and worth it, nonetheless, yes? (actually even if there wasn't chalet, mumsy didn't quite allow me to go for KAIROS so i didn't have much of a choice, but well :-( )

taiwan in 4 days and there's still so much to do!! this week's gonna be packed before i leave, can hardly wait!! bye lovelies :-)

#296: glorious

2011-12-09T20:37:00.006+08:00

i just got back from camp, and i must say i really had fun for the first few hours or so!! the rest, i don't really want to talk about, but though i didn't get to stay long enough for prayers, praise and worship and opening ceremony, i'd just like to say that i felt really amazed at the first time i've ever been to a church camp. it wasn't something i was so ready about, but the bonds between everyone, the spontaneity and initiative-driven people there just amaze me so, and i had so much fun. and the games groupings were like harry potter oh my gosh hahahaha seriously, the names were all in greek, we had animals as our emblem and colours to represent our houses. no one really cares about this but the group names were so kewl hahaha - Tharros (meaning 'courage'; red + lion), Sophos (meaning 'wisdom'; blue + owl), Zilos (meaning 'zeal'; green + antelope), and Elpizo (meaning 'hopeful/resourceful'; black + eagle). since the camp was called Kairos (meaning 'the right/opportune/supreme moment'), it was called the KAIROS GAMES like what man FTW or what! i was in Zilos 08 waharharhar :"> ZILOS FTW DUDE. ok yah that was so kewl. oh and SSS is really awesome hehe and i probably should mention that the camp booklets were awesome and hipster like woah

i'm not feeling too good, so to end off, i saw this amazing quote on shingz's blog, and i guess it really meant a lot to me, it spoke to me in some way, i don't know how and why, but yes:

Faith in God includes Faith in his timing

ok that's all, long weekend, and then TAIWAN!!!!! and christmas when i get back heheheh bye dudes!!

#295: creation

2011-12-08T12:02:00.003+08:00

pre-camp prayer meet later at 3.30, but meeting isabelle at 3 because i have no idea where rachel's house is and i'm a lost bird since natsy and jackson aren't going hahaha. i was supposed to go and pass xiao wee my present, but i don't know if she can make it. maybe i should at least re-confirm with her. and i think my caffeine addiction is back, i'm gonna get pre-diabetes at this rate man i keep drinking gong cha and wanting to drink starbucks oh noooooooooo ;-(

camp tomorrow, slightly worried and unprepared, but slightly excited. hope i discover more of our loving and faithful God through the one and only day i can go for. then it's tuition and preparing for taiwan on saturday, chalet on sunday and monday, kerri + cheryl + vanessa day on tuesday, unconfirmed day on wednesday (i was supposed to meet vanessa hehe) and thursday is my last day of nua before i get ready for a morning flight!!!! taiwan isn't as glamorous as an english-speaking western country, but it's a good go anyway because i've been there for OC before, and i went to Yilan, which is a beautiful, quiet county. it was good. the last day i spent was in taipei though, which was better because i got to buy stuff all hasty HAHAH. more shopping + pictures this time!! hope we don't get lost HAHAH ok i gotta go get ready, bye everyone!!!

PS, i'm done with bio!!!!!! chinese + amath left, so glad!! 8)
PPS, yesterday was good!!

#294: gallant

2011-12-07T09:39:00.002+08:00

i'm fasting through breakfast so i need determination, but it's nice to renew the spirit and find some patience and determination through God. otherwise, i'm feeling really shitty again after seeing something i was better off not knowing. i don't know why it's becoming like this, it's never been, and i thought i was okay after so many days, weeks, months, years. what's wrong now? why do you keep doing this? or should i say, why am i affected by what you do, even though this is the way you've always been?

i hate my guts

#293: remains

2011-12-05T20:25:00.011+08:00

i absolutely adore this song, it won't get out of my head :')
and while you're at it, here's the remainder of my list :> hehe

the end-of-year list - revised (2) + simplified :

~~Concert~~
~~Choir camp prep/Camp itself~~
~~TAIWAN~~
More outings with clique, TCF and perhaps belwee and the lovely shopping duo :*
~~BIRTHDAY (here's to a memorable one, even if it's simple, with a lot of photos hehe)~~
~~CHRISTMAS.~~

and in case i forget, here's the list of things i plan to get/do after concert/all my lessons are over:

complete homework, ~~filing and clear my room~~ by mid-december (kinda an anti-climax HAHAH)
~~spend more time wif errbady~~
finish with the notebook and ~~calendar (which reminds me, NEED. TO. HURRY. GET.), and fill in more in my journal (both creative and own~~)
~~eat. eat. eat. eat. eat.~~
~~experiment with my fringe~~
~~go morning shopping again with some lovelies of mine~~
~~diet/exercise/run/tan/swim~~
~~ACTUAL/ONLINE SHOPPING FOR TAIWAN FOR JEANS, TOPS AND PANTS~~
~~FINALLY GET MY GOLDEN HALF AND HOPEFULLY THE BLACKBIRD FLY :')~~
~~GET ERRTHING I'VE BEEN WANTING FROM TAIWAN (bag included)~~
~~start a day-by-day journal~~
FINISH READING 'THE VIRGIN SUICIDES' DAMMIT
~~finish 'My Friend Jesus: The Gospel According To John' before christmas~~
~~get christmas pressies soon~~

#292: captivation

2011-12-05T09:17:00.004+08:00

haven't had the time to post at all! can't even find the time to stop and think, the weekend's been busier than ever! indeed, saturday was BRILLIANT. service was powerful and empowering, sermon was as meaningful as always, and isabel and all the things she planned - i'm at a loss of words for how amazing it is, oh goodness. :') i love all of them - shingz, niko, xiaowee, sal sal, bryna (can't leave her out, yes? HAHA) and my bb j (kerr kerr and vjane who had to leave early too) :-) <3

stole all the pictures from cheryl's because i have no time (I HAVEN'T GOT READY TO MEET NIKO AT 10 AND I'M STILL EATING HAHAH) and i'm a lazy ass bitch. this week isn't as free as i thought. kairos from 9th - 12th, but i think i can only make it part-time, don't know if pops would allow though :'-( oh well. gonna try asking? and bel wee's birthday's coming up soon <3 i can't match up to all she's done for me, but i'll try, because i love that girl so much :') TAIWAN IN ONE AND A HALF WEEK I AM SO EXCITED THIS MONTH'S TURNING OUT TO BE FANTASTIC!! <3

oh and i quote shingz and her brother (refer to the above photo for half the quote. LOL):
(focus on the bold parts hahaha)

Small girl trying to hold her presents. EVEN PLUTO HAS A BIGGER HEAD THAN HER.

By the way, a few days ago, I asked my brother "Hey, what should I get for Beatrix?" and without hesitation, he replied "Seven dwarfs" HAHAHAHAHA i swear i laughed like mad!

okay i've talked so much, here are more photos, i gotta make this snappy!!

yes i got bangs :-) told you i was experimenting with my fringe in the list! (LOL I MISTYPED 'FRINGE' AS 'FINGER' THE FIRST TIME)

the gorgeous board and adorable huggable pluto cheryl and kerr got for me <3

notice how the pictures from cheryl's camera end up so much clearer, prettier and brighter, argh mega love!!!!! anyway have to run, b!

#291: saved

2011-12-03T10:08:00.002+08:00

meeting nat and the rest at 11.30 to head down for service, and then the TGIM David skits from 2.30, but i'll be leaving at 3.30 to meet isabel and head down to wherever she takes me (last i heard, it was Seletar Country Club). that girl's got something planned, and i'm not sure what! dinner afterwards though, to celebrate gramp's birthday, i hope today's gr8 and it never ends <3 :-)
woke up to a good start, here's to going through the rest of this day all great!!!
december, i look forward to better days!

saved by the grace of God

#291: cordoned

2011-11-30T18:15:00.003+08:00

this week's gonna be a little busy and quick-paced, but next week's gonna be much slower. just came back from a little day full of bonding time with my dearest bud vanessa, and i spent a bomb on a ton of stocks and materials. I OFFICIALLY HAVE NO MORE MONEY THIS MONTH. ok i keed but yeah with christmas coming and taiwan clothes shopping, uh oh :-(

gotta go now bye everyone :>

PS, post edited 021211 (ONE MORE DAY 8DDDDD), list revised!

#290: tremendous

2011-11-29T22:19:00.002+08:00

feeling so troubled now, i have no idea how to solve these problems. the only source of comfort and security is the source of my problems as well.

i have nothing to give, but i can try, because i have nothing left to lose.

#287: dents

2011-11-27T13:35:00.002+08:00

i guess i'd planned to head out with mumsy today for the first time in a while to get clothes for my trip in three weeks time, but she's busy so no go. oh well.

i still have a long list of things i've gotta get and i'm not so much looking forward to class chalet anymore. feeling the pressure from everybody about church camp but i don't know, i hardly know anyone well enough and i don't think i should try to squeeze out so much from myself in a short period of time. i don't know why but i'm starting to feel the heat about this :-( i've never mentioned it before but i guess that's just how it is. that plus everytime i think of homework, i get so upset and my day's ruined. i need so much strength and determination to finish it all and conquer everything.

#288: gradually

2011-11-25T21:23:00.001+08:00

camp was great, this week's been fantastic.
actually, camp was beyond amazing, i just had the best camp in years, and all the fuzzies are so heartwarming and i have no words for just how lovely it actually is. NE training was fun too, a little awkward here and there, but i can guarantee i had fun to some extent.

can't wait to finish all my work and for the month to halt for me to enjoy my actual holidays! oh and the list is revised, again. hehe gonna go crash now, bye everyone!!

#287: belief

2011-11-23T18:09:00.003+08:00

CAMP IS TOMORROW I AM SO PSYCHED

i wasn't really looking forward to it all week because i've been so tired with and i'd really been beaten down by schoolwork and the little bits of camp prep and comm is just really not working altogether well under stress, but today's final prep made me realise how great comm is, and how fun camp will be :-) it's not the best camp, but it's the first comm's tried to organise, so i hope all goes well. for anything else, my faith is all in God!! can't wait for breaking dawn soon and then service on saturday after missing last week's!! so stoked!

okay udders with isabel today was good too, and i've promised myself i was supposed to start packing as soon as i got back, but it slipped my mind because i got so distracted. better start soon on packing my bags, my room, and on the fuzzies. mumsy and pops have it good, they're going overseas while i'm at camp, i'd wanted to tag along, but CAMP!!! hehe, have a good week ahead anyway, everybody, hope all goes well at camp!

#286: stellar

2011-11-21T17:17:00.005+08:00

i'll love you with all i have
even if all i have is nothing
i'll love you till no time is left
to love would be the best thing

i have faith we'll be just as fine

#285: perfect

2011-11-20T11:03:00.006+08:00

the end-of-year list - revised:

~~Concert - the last concert as an SJChoir girl :<~~
~~Choir camp prep/Camp itself - all camps are fun without training and educational shit haha~~
TAIWAN - I HAVE BEEN DYING TO TRAVEL I CAN'T W8
More outings with clique, TCF and perhaps belwee and the lovely shopping duo :*
BIRTHDAY (here's to a memorable one, even if it's simple, with a lot of photos hehe)
CHRISTMAS. NEED I SAY MORE? 8)))

and in case i forget, here's the list of things i plan to get/do after concert/all my lessons are over:

complete homework, filing and clear my room by mid-december (kinda an anti-climax HAHAH)
spend more time wif errbady
finish with the notebook and calendar (which reminds me, NEED. TO. HURRY. GET.), and fill in more in my journal (both ~~creative~~ and ~~own~~)
~~eat. eat. eat. eat. eat.~~ I AM A GLEEFUL FAT KID 8D
~~experiment with my fringe haha~~
go morning shopping again with some lovelies of mine hehe
~~diet/exercise/run/tan/swim~~
ACTUAL/ONLINE SHOPPING FOR TAIWAN FOR JEANS, TOPS AND PANTS
FINALLY GET MY GOLDEN HALF AND HOPEFULLY THE BLACKBIRD FLY :') (still undecided since natsy can't get hers :/)
GET ERRTHING I'VE BEEN WANTING FROM TAIWAN (bag included)
start a day-by-day journal
FINISH READING 'THE VIRGIN SUICIDES' DAMMIT
finish 'My Friend Jesus: The Gospel According To John' by before christmas
get christmas pressies soon >:)

last updated: 021211

#284: valiance

2011-11-18T21:06:00.005+08:00

concert's tomorrow, can hardly wait :>
oh and, choir today was absolutely astounding. praise God for a brilliant end to a morbid week, and i'm so thankful for comm to get through choir struggles together. camp's coming up soon, gotta get started on fuzzies for the section :-) we've been through a lot this year, but i'm sure we won't disappoint tomorrow. i have utmost faith in the choir and in God. thankful to everyone who made the effort to go tomorrow and get tickets from me hehe luv them all so much <3
i'm done with this, hope the remaining weekend goes well, happy friday everyone

#283: disaster

2011-11-15T18:34:00.002+08:00

i'm trying to be on livejournal more these days. posting more and talking more about life there. i've always thought it was pretty nice having a journal that could be both public and private at the same time and i could talk so much in since no one is really ever there. which is kind of sad at the same time because i hardly have any people i know personally on livejournal because no one's ever heard of it as much as other things. oh well :-( speaking of livejournal, i'm having a few livejournal-centric dilemmas these days, but they're not important.

i cannot wait for breaking dawn to come out. sadly i've got camp on the 24th so it's either advanced viewings or watching it late :-(
okay concert's looming upon us. two more practices to go before it's all empty till next year. will this be the best yet? hell yes we'll try.

i better start washing up and everything. just got back a while ago and spent the time in between compiling today's meeting notes for camp! toodles!

#281: penchant

2011-11-14T20:19:00.000+08:00

i never really knew how to define myself. people keep changing. maybe i'll never know.

#280: evasive

2011-11-12T09:06:00.002+08:00

spent 11/11/11 23:11 with them and it was kinda great. choir was amazing too. about to head out to breakfast and then service with nat and it's been a good week that i'm thankful to God for. can't wait to catch up on sleep. this is gonna be the last jam-packed week and i'm almost free. can almost feel the excitement!
oh and, exactly a week more to concert which i am so excited for, although i'm starting to feel the heaviness of the responsibilities weigh down now + i still have one more ticket to clear, how now? oh well, gonna find a way and make this count somehow! okay better run, toods!

#279: euphoria

2011-11-11T10:09:00.002+08:00

i just finished a quiz on ace-learning, tuition yesterday was great, and i survived the last ever ASP lesson for this year which was 4 hours of chinese. choir on wednesday was uneventful but still a great practice.
it's been a killer week but friday at last! can't wait for the weekend plans (hopefully i come up with some) + i miss mumsy and all the other girls i haven't been seeing lately.

concert's in 8 days time, camp in13 days, birthday in 22, 34 more to Taiwan and 44 days to christmas! extremely excited, especially so for everything in december. hopefully christmas with tcf, yes? even if it's a morning celebration like jo suggested (HAHA i love jo), it's good enough for me <3
oh yes, hari raya holiday spent with bel was great as well :> okay, have a good friday gaiz! :-)

#278: amidst

2011-11-08T18:13:00.002+08:00

concert's in a week, i can't wait for this and next week to be over. i pretty much can't wait for the whole involuntary school-event jam-packed schedule of november to be over haha. here's a list of things i'm looking forward to from this week onwards:

Concert - the last concert as an SJChoir girl :<
Choir camp prep/Camp itself - all camps are fun without training and educational shit haha
TAIWAN - I HAVE BEEN DYING TO TRAVEL I CAN'T W8
More outings with clique, TCF and perhaps belwee and the lovely shopping duo :*
BIRTHDAY (here's to a memorable one, even if it's simple, with a lot of photos hehe)
CHRISTMAS. NEED I SAY MORE? 8)))

and in case i forget, here's the list of things i plan to get/do after concert/all my lessons are over:

complete homework, filing and clear my room by the end of november (kinda an anti-climax HAHAH)
spend more time wif errbady
finish with the notebook (after i finally hound dad for one :<) and calendar (which reminds me, NEED. TO. HURRY. GET.), and fill in more in my journal (both creative and own)
eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. - i was telling cheryl how i wanted taiwan chicken, ewf and macs so badly, but i can only have them guilt-free after concert. oh and no more caffeine for me till christmas. the water retention and eye puffiness are starting to kick in wtsssss
experiment with my fringe haha there's this crazy urge for me to cut my fringe to thin, layered, choppy, wispy bangs recently but i'm kinda worried so we'll see how about that
go morning shopping again with some lovelies of mine hehe
diet/exercise/run/tan/swim - hey all the weight from the food has to go somewhere sooner or later
ACTUAL/ONLINE SHOPPING WITH MUMSY FOR TAIWAN FOR JEANS, TOPS AND PANTS HEHE :>
FINALLY GET MY GOLDEN HALF AND HOPEFULLY THE BLACKBIRD FLY :') HAVE BEEN WAITING AGESSSSS. and then i need to learn the little nifty tips and tricks to them, which will cost me more time
GET ERRTHING I'VE BEEN WANTING FROM TAIWAN HEHE (bag included :>)

and then this is the list. there's so much i can still add on, because these are just a few thoughts i've been having so far since the holidays began. so many things to do, so little time, i can hardly wait. especially for mumsy to get back, i hope she's doing well in the states! okay this list makes me sound so fake but it's just for me to commit these things to memory/revisit this list the next time i need it. can't wait to accomplish them (i wonder how broke i'll be once the holidays end at this rate what the pong). better start saving. okay that's all for now, gotta get started on homework. wish me luck for this week!

#277: choke

2011-11-07T09:13:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAHHA CHERYL IF YOU SEE THIS (this is the only way i talk to you these days when you're not awake kkk) I LOVE YOUR POST AND THE GD9T HAHAHAHHAHA STEP LIAN MAX

had the best sunday in ages with jo and cheryl yesterday :'> pictures on her side (she did a picspam omg haha)

#276: we'll pull it through

2011-11-06T13:20:00.002+08:00

juvenile as we used to be, old as we are now, we'll never be as young as we once were yesterday.
i haven't seen her (up there) in a while but i do miss her so, i hope she knows :-) i couldn't have asked for a better best friend (and for people like tcf, niko, vanessa and isabel) :-)

my frightful desire for christmas to come around soon is coming back, and i'm listening to my nostalgic christmas playlist!!! having the thought of starbucks bring back their christmas drinks isn't doing any good since we're still a long way away from christmas, it's only the second week of november, the thought of that sucks.
STILL, I CAN HARDLY WAIT!!!!

have a good long weekend, everybody :-) hope this coming week starts and ends well, last week of ASP, fuck yeah!

even if the seasons change, our love still stays the same

#275: push

2011-11-04T20:00:00.002+08:00

choose the people you can be certain of carefully, choose the people you're sure you love carefully. you never know who's what and what you missed in your search

tuition and service tomorrow, and i ought to say that i should be finishing all my homework (tuition homework inclusive), but i'm not. i'm so screwed because i forgot everything, i should get started now.
mumsy's leaving for the states for two weeks tomorrow. hope she keeps warm and safe there, i know she'll be fine for God is with her wherever and whenever, yes? i'm thankful for God, and thankful to God.

i can and will prove to you - if i can only make a difference someone's life, starting with you, i win. and you can be sure i will if you open up.

#274: true

2011-11-02T19:55:00.002+08:00

can you say you have been perfectly honest with me?
what do i do with this?

#273: clap

2011-10-30T20:41:00.002+08:00

lessons this whole week and i'm kind of worried for wednesday. the sense of fear for SPA practice and choir is starting to loom about again, amongst a multitude of other feelings i'm feeling right now

'God's grace is sufficient, and He will always use you, only if you let Him.'

#272: hatchet

2011-10-29T19:35:00.003+08:00

this week was pretty good, though slightly uneventful. sheikha's NUS concert with j and d on deepavali was fun, movie on tuesday with niko and vanessa was interesting, and the bountiful h2hs with isabel this whole week from all the time we spent together during and after choir was absolutely amazing :-) oh and then there's definitely today to add on to a good experience of the week (despite choir on friday being terrible; we have to buck up!). hehe it might come as a surprise, but i had a great time heading to church with nat after the countless times she's asked and i couldn't make it. it was really awkward, but it was kinda good with all the really thoughtful people there that talked first :-) it makes me feel guilty if i can't make it consistently every week from today, or for their events, but i'll try! feels good to do one of those never-try-never-know tasks, especially on the all-important spiritual level :-)

this week's been rather kind, especially since it's the last week of the school term (which reminds me, about time to get a new notebook and desktop calendar /excited hehe). actually, it isn't really for me since i've got to head back everyday for the next two to three weeks till after concert's over and i'm officially done with school. okay, i better start on the holiday homework now. i dread turning around since my room's in an absolute mess when i brought home all my textbooks and files because of class cleaning yesterday. xxxx

#271: photo post

2011-10-25T19:49:00.008+08:00

say hello to the events of my preceding weekend. actually this is only a few photos inclusive because of saturday where i went book shopping with isabel, and i actually didn't do anything interesting nor bring my baby out so i don't have any photos on the day itself. at least, i do, but not much, and most of them aren't of us haha. okay none of them are. nonetheless, it could do some good to illustrate my good weekend in a while in pictures, even if they're boring. HAHAHA. here goes!

first off, meet isabel's new stylish toy. it's pretty darn heavy, and yes, it is an ancient polaroid, not the impersonation 'fujifilm instax' ones (i still love mine though ^^). she bought it online via her sister for a pretty good deal, but the catch is that the film is so expensive even though it's the pretty squarish film-pictures that you hardly find from polaroids since only fujifilms are the effortless ones available these days, and you would think it's value for money, (they're much bigger than the instax ones, about twice the size. and i mean really squarish)
oh and the photo was from my phone, it was so fricken LQ even editing it was of no help haha

so basically i rushed off to meet her for book shopping on saturday after my tuition, because i asked her randomly on friday and we didn't even have time to discuss much. we were late but within schedule. and by book shopping, we seriously meant it. we spent like 90 minutes browsing the shelves and then deciding which books to buy (page one is so huge and amazing). the last time we went out to get a book at page one was right after exams ended. HAHAHA.

okay while isabel bought nothing but vampire books, these were the only three books i bought. oh and that squarish-bluish thing there, that's how the polaroid looks like :-) the un-developed/not-properly-developed effect is meant to be there because her sister got her expired film for the effect (yes it exists, google it), which i found thoroughly amusing in that point of time. HAHA. and on the right is my cheapo instax with my princess film. HAHAHAHAHA

this is the book i'm reading (to begin with) right now. honestly it's a bit choppy and random characters keep appearing from nowhere, and i can't differentiate between the past and present in the book. the writing style is good though, but it's a bit tough to read (what was i thinking choosing a literature book? i didn't think it'd be full of bombastic words haha). overall, the plot is elaborate (i'm only halfway through the book and i cheated a little with help from wiki, as usual), but not as fantastic as i'd expected (i honestly prefer The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, it's more relatable, the writing style isn't that explicit, and the pompous language is minimal, or there is none at all). but to each their own :-)
isabel's mom and mumsy both said isabel and i are boring people. i'm sorry we have no social life. HAHAHA. reading is good as long as the book's interesting enough. this is all for my intake of books, and saturday.

ignore the lens cap, it was to hold down the cover to prevent it from shadowing and ruining the colour of the photo because the light and apeture sensitivity of my baby is tremendously high like with all dslrs, a little reflection makes the picture like 8x brighter/more contrasted, which is both good and bad. and if you notice it's different (the lens cap i mean), you'll find out why in a while (at the bottom of the long-winded post)!

oh and random picture of how messy my notice board and cupboard top has been since EOYs ended. this was really recent (don't ask me how recent hahaha) in case you're wondering, it looked like this:

just about six months or so ago, more or less. (okay i get you can't really see the table okay)

okay this has been boring! that's all then hahahahaha this was just to kill time, honestly, i'm gonna go play some monopoly deal with the folks now (i lost to pops three times in a row yesterday).

if anyone was wondering, i bombarded photos for this post because i got bored (yes that's one), i needed to kill time (two) and because both my uv filter and lens cap (i protect my lens with the uv filter since pops got it for me the same time i got my baby and it happened to be loose that day) fell into the mrt platform at paya lebar about a week ago when i was out with Vanessa and Niko and we got into the packed train (three). pops got me a new one (refer to photo of the lens cap haha) and ever since then, my pictures have been so HQ like the first time i got my camera, so i decided to seize the opportunity to blantantly take more nonsensical photos and spam them HAHA. i love my baby. i guess the fuzziness in my photos a few months ago was because i didn't spend time cleaning my uv filter like an ocd-stricken bitch like i should've HAHA. okay bye now!

PS, tomorrow's a public holiday hehe. i foresee good breakfast with family, and then i've got plans with j and d to head to sheikha's concert! :-) can't w8, hope it's a great day!

#270: electrolytes

2011-10-24T21:22:00.002+08:00

whenever i see my own page now, it seems so much prettier! as the days pass, i think i'm seriously getting so much more used to this skin since i always expect the old one to load, and get a pleasant surprise when i see this new one. it's really pretty now, thinking about it. don't regret changing it out of boredom yesterday, that's for sure.

okay i'm supposed to be watching my show or reading a book while waiting for my parents to get back from their night jog before continuing my third round of monopoly deal with them. i keep losing to pops, TWO TIMES IN A ROW. oh and i probably should mention i'm making it up to myself by using his new laptop. it's fuh-reak-in' uh-may-zeeng. so clear, sleek and classy. LOVE IT TO BITZ YAW.

okay i think i'll have a brief photo post soon haha i'm so bored my parents need to come back soon kkkkk. that's all for now, happy reading and happy week ahead everybody :-)

PS, note to self: don't forget to bring two tickets for J tomorrow and update Sheikha's concert + cancel the old choir dates, update class chalet dates + ASP dates in calendar ~

#269: another day

2011-10-23T10:48:00.006+08:00

hmm not so sure about this skin but i was getting bored of the old one so i decided to change to something more visually-clouded, feminine, pale and complicated compared to the previous one. it'd be good but i find some flaws with it, i'm just not sure what. the biggest one is probably how the last post always sticks to the base of my browser /and this is the part where you end up checking for yourself because you're skeptical/curious or have already checked in which case you'll be smiling at this. or not haha/ if you'd noticed, i always like the skin to keep away from the outlines of the browser, it irks me when i can't separate it, but i couldn't separate it no matter how hard i tried. i spent a lot of time trying to edit other things because my html is hopeless, so i gave up because i thought it was good enough.

no idea why i just blabbered on about that, but i'm feeling a little relieved, albeit quite distressed now. choir tomorrow, tuesday and friday this week and early dismissal on monday, thursday and friday. oh and deepavali's this wednesday so i've got a free day :-) what a packed week. and we have lessons, too.

hope things go well for everyone as much as i go hope my week will be great! staying positive to pull through till december :-) oh, and i hope cheryl takes good care and has a fun + safe trip in Taiwan! till my next post, toodles :-)

#268: reflux

2011-10-21T21:05:00.003+08:00

i'll be here as long as it takes to get it right

isn't it obvious i only say these things on purpose because you're being the hurtful one? i never mean to spite you and i'll always be here, irregardless.

#267: affect

2011-10-20T12:22:00.004+08:00

okay i'm in school right now, and everyone's busying away with countless things on their computer and i'm bored haha
honestly we were told we had 'the remaining one hour or so can be used to surf the net' but there's nothing to surf if they block facebook/twitter 'cause i don't use the computer for anything but twitter haha. and it was quite ridiculous that the school gave us an hour and a half to complete 16 yes-no/agree-disagree surveys which we finished in 15 minutes. oh and the school's IT crew grew smarter and blocked all other browsers. A+

also, i can't believe they grew tired of blocking blogger, that's why i'm even here. blocking blogger in primary school used to be number 1 priority haha. i don't care much for surfing the net in school, but whatever, time here is time wasted anyway. there's always access to youtube but i'm not much of a video person, + i don't like to draw attention to myself and i don't have earpieces with me haha

oh and i probably should mention that the second floor toilet always smells like cigarette smoke. sec 2s, what have you been/are you doing? are you all that desperate?

okay the air con in this spot is sweet. i'm bored so i'm off. d's watching george young videos with steph, b and kerri are busied with ltc stuff, and j and sheikha are laughing at the computer while everyone stares at them. not to mention rui en who looks like she's staring at a blank computer screen haha. gosh i should've brought my phone down, then at least i'd have twitter. okaty bye now :-)

PS, results were gah/meh
PPS, the week's coming to an end! :-)

#266: compile

2011-10-16T10:09:00.003+08:00

okay i think this is funny, i'm such an emo kid haha. and i was supposed to get some choir stuff done, but i got distracted. re-doing this meme because i can to see what's changed. and maybe because i'm bored as hell and i'm finishing my second book in a week :-( i should create my own self-discovery meme haha.
dreading tuesday's arrival, or tomorrow. i want a holiday. like a real holiday soon sobs. okay here goes:

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
B, trix, xiaotrix (HAHAHA CHERYL AND ISABEL'S FAVE)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU’VE HAD:
staticcircus, arterivet, reviera

THREE THINGS YOU’VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
eat, read, tweet :-)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my dire need for things to be symmetrical whenever i'm bored // my creative (NOT ARTISTIC IN THE LEAST LOL) side // my persistent urge to read, eat, write or pack when i'm bored (apart from needing to leave the house or be a couch/internet potato)

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my height // my overthinking and occasional hypocrisy // how disorganised and angsty i can get

THREE THINGS YOU’RE AFRAID OF:
losing you, pain (like non-voluntary, physical pain eg being stabbed etc etc), abandonment

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
the saint em house shirt, green fbts and an updo. LOOOOOL.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
my soap (like forever haha), my phone and technology/food basically.

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS:
a stove that has gas/makes fire + a fridge (without which there would be no food), a bed and TOILETS OH TOILETS.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
i have no constant favourite since preferences change

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
(basically, this is advice i can give but can't take)
stop overthinking // SAY THE IMPORTANT THINGS! // do what makes you happy (but make sure it's the right things)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
to not be a failure in life and finally start passing chinese, emath and amath (must maintain please) + work my way up to straight A's (i don't know how in the world i'll do that)
take healthy responsibility and be more diplomatic/assumptive
be less demanding/such a spendthrift loooool

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET:
not saying what mattered. not cherishing the things i had. not being good enough.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
laughter, love, respect.

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU’VE GIVEN TO THE WORLD:
MY ADVICE ;) (see above /trololol) // my blogging supremeness/cyberpresence, whatever // time?

AND MIGHT I ADD ON FROM THE PREVIOUS ANSWER (see above^), METHANE GAS LOOOOOOOOL JK

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in order):
don't expect something interesting if they're in order haha

i back off when i realise i'm not needed in the picture // i am lazy and ungifted // i'm tall (LOL)

THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
sneeze with my eyes open (duh) // ACE MY CHINESE LOOL // understand what's wrong

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
you // being juvenile // OC III OMG

GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
time (i gave up my wish for more money haha) // less pressure // brains please /bimbo

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE:
because you betrayed me // because choir is my family ♥ // because tcf is in my life ~

THREE OF YOU YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
doing embarrassing things with cheryl, vanessa, the clique, tcf, niko, isabel etc or alone haha // eating/reading/doodling/writing/packing/sleeping/shopping/girl stuff etc //NOT STUDYING (i keed)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
give people explainations :-( // quit school (i wish) // eat haha

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
forensic science/medical science // criminology // psychology/law (law will never happen though singapore's so... mundane haha)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
europe/venice/the maldives // london // the united states of america

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
Codename: Kids Next Door (hehehe) // spongebob squarepants //phineas and ferb :>

THREE BOY’S NAMES:
i have none but believe me, if i had to give any, i'd end up giving names of the protagonists in the books i've read so far

THREE GIRL’S NAMES:
there are a few on my mind so i shall not be biased :-)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
tell the world my secrets, fears and regrets // be happy in my last moments haha // everything i wanted to try (i'm not the adventurous type)

DON'T JUDGE ME

#265: asleep

2011-10-15T10:03:00.004+08:00

i've never shown my family here before, ever, so here's my mom :-) i realise i don't ever talk nice to her because her ego is huge and i don't want to be the one to feed that ego, so i just end up being harsh and mean, which i figured, is bad haha
okay totally ignoring that, concert's coming up and i'm kind of a sad kind of worried. a bit dreary because i'm afraid we fall below expectation again. gonna leave most of it in the hands of God and i hope everyone does their best, yes? :-)

oh and how i oh-so miss the feeling of being in a foreign country, the bright mornings that feel new everyday with so much to be explored, and the urban nights that leave you feeling nostalgic and pensive because the city is so huge, and it doesn't even have to be in those scenic-romantic, personal, high-end western countries like europe, anywhere counts. anywhere but here. normally i don't say this, but i kind of can't wait for the trip at the end of the year. waiting is killing me because i miss traveling so much :-( it's never been this bad, i just can't explain the feeling or how at-ease it makes me come to realise i am or i feel when i'm anywhere in the world away from here (even though i miss home a great deal after a while). i think that was the main reason i chose that photo haha.
oh, also, right now i've been reading a lot lately to spend some time since i don't have much to study for. apart from shopping, reading is all i seem to use to kill time, especially when i'm alone. i actually hope to finish reading quite a number of books by the time the holidays end :-) taking a break now to post this hehe.

and with that, the school year is almost drawing to a close. hope the results on tuesday don't disappoint :/

#264: these days

2011-10-13T20:17:00.003+08:00

YEAR END EXAMS ARE OVER BITCHEZZZ

okay i'm kidding, but yes, they're over and i've been thinking a lot, this isn't good.

i find myself caught between this journey of not knowing where i'd go and where i'm currently headed, all because of the influence of a particular number and group of things.
well, true courage would tell me i want to be a teenager and make regular mistakes. do the wrong things, get caught doing the wrong things, not be afraid of telling people the stupid things that have ever happened, party, do things that i would be proud of because i would only have once to do them. i would know the line, but it's not so easy.

(no i mean it's not easy to get yourself started before you draw a line.)

you find yourself in the lure of the wrong pack and you have to either be lucky enough to have those who don't find it on themselves to force decisions upon you or harm you, or strong enough to stand up for what you feel for yourself without ruining friendships. it sounds simple enough, but caught between two wrongs, it doesn't make a right.
truthfully, this is just another dreary post on me seizing the adolescent years, but i find myself faced with this constant dread and fear that one day i'll regret the doings of then, which are these years i have where i'm somehow between contemplating consequences, yet not being held fully responsible for them.

oh forget it, true courage knows itself well, and i should know fully well that i will never find that courage to take a step out of the line to let anyone else down. there's too much at stake. so i end up doing things that make me invisible again anyway.

#263: brighten

2011-10-05T22:46:00.003+08:00

times like these are the hardest to get through

all caught up with all these dire hopeless thoughts to make things better

'don't let your guard down', i figure.

oh what am i doing, it's 10.40pm on a wednesday night and i've got a geography paper tomorrow

#262: incapacitate

2011-10-01T12:33:00.004+08:00

exams have just begun and i'm already getting this feeling that they're going to be as relentless as ever. the real challenge isn't even for now, it's next year.

the thought of getting the exams over and done with sounds great, but concert sounds emotionally demanding. looking forward to it nonetheless :-) just wish i didn't have to miss D's confirmation :'-(

alright, i can't wait to be worry-less but i'm running a tad bit late right now so i best be getting ready to head off for tuition! this shall and will be my only break for today and the week! tomorrow and after i get back for tuition is bio + math + geog + ss + chinese (yeah right) all the way :-) wish me luck :-)

PS, LOL AT NIKO'S HAIR IN THE PICTURE SHE IS SO ADORABLE

#261: allude

2011-09-24T22:33:00.002+08:00

okay using my ipod touch to blog now so basically i can't upload pictures haha but i'm doing this to save the draining on my bb internet service /paranoid

things haven't been well. only a week - actually it's less than a week- to the first paper/start of end year exams and I feel unprepared. i'm screwed because all the procrastination from the start of the year has officially done me in. worse still, I feel so distracted, detached and emotionally unsound what with all these feelings and thoughts clinging on to me and I can't shake them off. this is starting to feel hefty and lethal. i need to just be able to pull through for just a month more before I can get rid of all the tension and focus on other things

okay enough of that. it's saturday night and it's been a tiresome and uninteresting week but I'm glad. Every day with God is a day well spent. I feel more secure and tolerant every day because of His presence and the strength He grants amidst all the emotional chaos

Alright I best be turning in. Hopefully tomorrow's a more productive day!!! I plan to finish 3 more chapters of SS and 2 chapters of bio but kinda unsure about that now. Toodz anyway :-)

#260: epitaxial

2011-09-18T20:22:00.002+08:00

all the time i have right now is so crucial, i'm just hoping i have all the motivation in the world to start and bring myself to do well again :-(
i need end-years' to end soon so i can have time to myself to catch up with everyone and enjoy :-( on the brighter side, i'm sort of looking forward to concert this year after end-years' are done with! after concert, there's camp, then i get to enjoy the holidays for a bit and spend my birthday here before it's off to taiwan i go for about a week and back just before christmas and the new year :-) sounds like a heap full of fun, but first, no pain no gain, study study study is now. best thing though was that this weekend was painfully productive.
alright i'm gonna go enjoy what's left of my weekend (can you believe i didn't touch any work from after breakfast with family this morning i spent the whole day doing other things since i finished lorms and everything in the morning sigh) before drowning in the horror that is monday tomorrow! the start of a brand new week, term 4 week 2 and about a week more left to end-years, anticipation yet hesitation.

okay that's it, bye everyone :-)

#259: precint

2011-09-16T21:55:00.003+08:00

okay i have so much to say about life even though i just haven't been on the computer/on this page for like 5 days (i don't really want to count haha) and it seems like 25987321 years. haha
firstly, ct4 proved to be a pain because it was just ct4 (which is supposedly a class test. not even a cohort test. a class test - but then again everyone with similar subject combinations take the same papers which is uniformed and vetted so it's still a level test looool) and i felt like i was going through female pattern balding or something with all the stress. i have no idea how i studied so hard for end year papers last year when i had like so many more subjects back then (every subject was compulsory since we have to see what subject we like best so i had about 11 theory papers to sit for in lower sec on last count) so i'm kinda worried thinking about if i can live up to back then. if i could do it then, why not now? :-(

next thing is that i feel so frustrated and distracted. i started revising, yes, but there's this barring emotional border and it's kind of making things harder. academically, i'm starting to take this positive attitude which makes things easier, so i hope i don't crash and burn (metaphorically speaking) when i take o's next year. oh look at me, thinking of o's when i'm not even sure i can successfully conquer end years'. that aside, i'm thankful for everything God has given. His grace and presence has proved to be successful and sufficient.
all for that, that's for now, back to chem (long long long list of things to do for this weekend and short short short time frame sigh), toodles :-)

#258: reverb

2011-09-11T20:34:00.001+08:00

i'm always kind of scared even though i've settled with being friends, the jealousy and feeling will come back. i've never talked about the feeling ever since i decided i'm okay with it and we'll just remain like this forever, but now i'm not so sure. i'm sure i want to not feel jealous or not feel these recurring emotions and have echoing thoughts of the same damn thing 24/7, but i'm not all that sure that i can keep up with that. i want to have these conversations that matter but as they die down and as i sat there, i just came to the realisation that it's all or nothing: so either i decide to suffer all the way, or keep nothing at all. maybe i should just settle for last place because from the looks of it, the conversation of friday is not likely to repeat itself. i'll miss it.

this broken emotion should stop coming around ever so often.

#257: disassemble

2011-09-10T21:08:00.002+08:00

completely disregarding the fact that i'm holding a water bottle and that my shirt is crinkled as hell, i quite like this photo. my shingz posted so many so i probably shouldn't use those anymore haha.
catch up yesterday with the girls was good :-) quite enjoyed this week, really. it was a short holiday, but well enjoyed. my only regret is not hitting the books because ct's next week and i'm screwed screwed screwed :-( oh also, Crazy, Stupid, Love is a wildly hilarious and amazing movie (to me at least hehe).
this feeling of worry and dire hope for a slight bit more of attention is just rushing towards my head right now. this sucks, i thought it was over and i thought it wouldn't be back. i don't want it to come back again. can we just stay stagnantly friends because matters of the heart and friendship are a clear line away. i don't want to cross that fine line again and right now all i need is for you to reciprocate that i can be okay with this and you can too. can we have a fun h2h like we did yesterday? i absolutely love and need it.

i need to start keeping myself grounded

#256: inertia

2011-09-08T09:39:00.002+08:00

i am so tired but concert yesterday was great + fun + extremely adorable! i thought sleeping these shitty feelings away would do me the slightest bit of good but nothing seems to have changed. what i'm afraid of now is that these feelings make their way back again and again. i need closure, i need these things to end and jealousy needs to just leave. i need to accept that and i have, but after these echoing thoughts go away, i'm sure i'll be fine. please let them go away. i just want to remain stagnant with this. no more emotional attachment or vulnerability.

that aside, i am officially terrified by my own dreams and 2 hours of sectionals later at 2, please please please be productive (i bet everyone's really too tired). friday's practice though, i'm not looking forward to, fingers crossed it goes well because my voice is in sub-standard shape and my mind is a blur. alright, good day to yall anyway, whoever reads this!

#255: my thoughts you can't decode

2011-09-06T09:39:00.002+08:00

i think everything's pretty much getting some acceptance and closure now. i'm glad.
oh one more thing, my taste in music sucks, and vanessa needs to wake up right now and reply my text damn it i don't understand what the plans for today are but i don't wanna waste another day just like that :-(

this has been another time-killer post, i shall attempt to be productive now. have a good day yall, i hope vanessa doesn't cancel and isn't fickle :-(

#254: luminesque

2011-09-05T08:48:00.002+08:00

okay so maybe the whole time, i've just been an over-sensitive, over-thinking prick that makes a big deal out of nothing. everything, everytime. i don't know how to make things better but i know it's very severe. maybe that's what drives everyone away and insane all the time.

whatever it is, the non-existent holidays have begun. at least i get to sleep in, so it's better than nothing even though i do have to go back/have school events like 321686654 times a week.

#253: we're empty

2011-09-03T20:17:00.001+08:00

i just find it such an irony that the single phrase i remember best is the only phrase i never could fully life by

okay maybe starting each day with sad songs on shuffle is never a good idea

#252: cyanide

2011-09-03T09:01:00.004+08:00

i normally hate posts full of photo narrations but since too much rubbish happened yesterday, i have no choice but to have a tagline for each of these photos haha

this is claudia, whose face has been absent for forever. she thinks she's very adorable and we look like twins because of our hair... i think.

then i'm sure you all know xiaojo (we just call her that) who never says much, but when she does, it's worth listening to haha

and continuing with my dear ol' lovely niko :-)

and then the lovely chiobu that is houngzxzxz

and lastly the fly-like-a-GG7 galzxz that is shingz who i obviously don't have to explain much about since her face appears so often here she's the only person (apart from niko) who can fight with vanessa haha

so the story starts with the six of us heading to town for a good ol' get together to catch The Smurfs (which is kinda good by the way. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS SMURFALICIOUS EVEN IF HE IS GAY ;-))! houngzxzx was late as usual, but at least she arrived in time to not miss the fun parts of the movie haha

and then after the movie we went for lunch at Pepper Lunch, which was a funny idea since the service wasn't the best and i got assaulted repeatedly by claudia. my gums are aching from her squishy fingers of steel haha i was being tormented while everyone just enjoyed the show and tooked photos haha

this is a cui photo of me because i was being seemingly sexually assaulted at the mrt station because we decided to go to bugis so they decided to pin me down and do funny things while waiting for the train. but the truth was that they wanted to pin me down just to change the parting of my hair haha it was a total wtf moment because we risked getting stomped (did i mention i rolled on the floor also haha) just to get my old parting back omg

and finally on the train, they left me alone. hehe i love this photo :-)

and then at bugis shingz got bored while waiting for claudia to try her shorts so she decided to take a cui photo in a mirror that looks like it hasn't been cleaned in... years. haha

and then it's needless to say that afterwards, people had to leave (more specifically houngzx for her tuition and claudia to meet her friends) so the lonely four of us (niko, xiaojo, shingz and i) decided to head to illuma from bugis street because niko's legs were hurting and we wanted something sweet to eat/drink

so the four of us shared some willy wonka big dipper from the marble slab creamery (yes seriously that is the name and flavour haha). it was really good to be honest, but really sweet. i think i wouldn't even be able to eat a big dipper alone. maybe i'll eat the smaller ones another day haha.

isn't it just so delicious and pretty? i thought it would be bitter, but to be honest, it's not that sweet on first bite. after a while though, it gets kinda hard to continue cause it's double chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and chocolate chips inside (they actually show you how they put it inside after scooping the ice cream haha they roll it out on this flat surface and then put the stuff in and roll it back before putting it in your cup).

and of course, no day would be complete without social network-ing everything we did haha we are technology slaves/social site addicts. now you know why we're best friends.

and this ends off my post. i need to go miserably do my homework now, cya dudzx ;-)

PS, did i mention my twitter name is now arterivet? my name change archive has been long (you didn't ask but i'll post it for fun anyway haha)

Twitter: toytrails --> broadwaytragedy --> atlanticcoeur --> plastercabarets --> staticcircus --> neonfumes --> arterivet
Tumblr: cometcrimes --> deadscenes --> retrograded --> falcate --> reviera
Blogger: destinytellsme --> remnantroad --> broadwaytragedy
Livejournal: (i had so many before this but they're lame as hell so i won't link them haha) --> lockedupworld --> mirror-shot --> staticcircus
okay that's all now bye

#251: insurmountable

2011-09-01T21:09:00.003+08:00

i don't like kicking start each month with a whole barricade of feelings that won't let me move forward. in fact, i like starting anew, only when it's easier to move forward.

here's to hoping september won't be a month where i crush myself.

#250: like a satellite we're flying

2011-08-31T20:38:00.003+08:00

nothing can touch us, we're everything and more

i just want to be honest for once because right now my thoughts are driving me more insane than ever.
seriously, going from more than something to less than nothing was just something i could've dismissed easily thinking you changed and were like that to everyone, only to realise all this time that it was, is and had always been just our something important go to waste like that. knowing that i probably mean less than you say sucks but right now i'm so afraid of becoming emotionally attached and vulnerable again. i had always been all this time. i can't tell you now, not ever and i kinda hate to admit it but this feeling tells me i sort of miss you. I CAN'T. I WON'T. I JUST WON'T.
worst of all, i don't want these feelings to rekindle. don't tell me they never left.
to be as honest as i can, what kills me is that you fail to make me feel secure. you obviously prefer someone else. i don't have to tell you. you're just avoiding this. this is as best as will come and sure enough, stagnant is as best as we'll ever have. especially when we haven't talked in 2 months. that's a record, isn't it? or has it just felt like two months?

well that was easily put.

#249: if i die young

2011-08-30T15:01:00.002+08:00

this is like my second post in the day but i was reading some loser's blog (I'M KIDDING DON'T HIT ME/BASH ME OK) (you may know her as shingz or the girl on my left hahaha) and i saw her post that made me go 'awwww' with this photo. so i kope-d it. i like the colour anyway even if i do look cui in it haha. i luv her man ~
still thinking of changing twitter names. ideas? :-(

#248: no love to my name

2011-08-30T09:14:00.003+08:00

hello eberybadee. monday night frolick with xiaojo, shingz, cheryl and nikozx was gudddd :-) there's like three album-ful of photos but i just chose the cui + LQ webcam pictures because i was too lazy (besides, the new facebook is eugh and inconveniencing) hehe. luv them more than anything in the world :-)
i realise i hate a lot of people + things so if you're actually in this inner circle where i actually am okay with you then it's kinda impressive to me haha okay don't mind me
haven't seen shingz in forever i'm so glad i got to see her yesterday! same goes for xiaojo! we were practically dying eating frolick while laughing non-stop i think even the counter girl couldn't take it haha
okay since my parents want to drag us out for breakfast at town, toodles yall :-)
oh and, SELAMAT HARI RAYA EVERYONE ~ (i'm so universal ok)

#247: hummingbird heartbeat

2011-08-27T16:33:00.002+08:00

posting this from my phone again haha if my internet service ever runs out... my life is over /slits wrists okay just kidding haha

well actually to be more specific im posting this on my phone. in the car. on the way back... from tuition hahaha which explains the lack of punctuations which i hate but have no choice because im lazy #kanyeshrug

riding with dad in the front seat with the windows down because the weather has been really great lately. my hair is an utter mess and i love the wind. and the mess, to be honest. oh also, i realise my good hair days are always always always during the days no one sees me/i dont meet anyone/i'm going to be away from the camera etc. like super fml :-(

i'm hungry right now and i'm almost home so i guess this is the 10 minute revival post for now hahaha this took me 7 tries since my browser and keyboard were being thoroughly uncooperative haha

oh. one more thing. i reeelly reeelly meez that girl on my left up there :-(

okay bye now!

#246: one minute i held the key

2011-08-21T19:52:00.003+08:00

why is it only this year that i realise the bitter truth all at once? sucks but glad that i haven't been deluded for any longer because any more and i just might blow a fuse. why do people choose to make life complicated, seriously? obviously the people in your past don't matter since you have the people you want to spend your future friendship with. rot in hell.

tomorrow's monday. le sigh :-(

thinking of changing my twitter name to @artereites. opinions pl0x :-(

#245: where the fault lines lay

2011-08-18T17:43:00.003+08:00

mainstream music has always been my thing (it's more catchy most of the time) but i don't know why i just keep singing along to this song recently more often than not haha

school has got me tired and wishing i tried harder above everything but the best thing about struggling is how satisfied you feel afterward.
did i mention my results are worse than imaginable? not. ideal. sighhhhhhhhh

#244: pistols and daybreak

2011-08-15T18:22:00.003+08:00

no matter how hard i try, i can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking
and wondering
and hopefully trying to find out what i mean to you

#244: bridges

2011-08-14T13:30:00.003+08:00

i've had a hard time deciding who i ought to be
because everyone expects different sides of me

#243: a sky full of lighters

2011-08-14T09:03:00.004+08:00

posting this while i still can because it's already sunday and i'm headed out for 7 month prayers later without even finishing my homework sob sob :-( my brother's hogging the toilet and i reek because of the weather sigh i smell like i just had PE. (also i complain a lot haha)
gotta get my ass home later to rush 5 units of math, one essay and one stupid newspaper reflection :-( okay i'm gonna go find something to eat. dying need for a rubber case for my phone (yes still) since my brother keeps rubbing it in my face how he already got his and terrible craving for fro yo haha /hungry rage
bye n00bzx

#242: i'm a house of cards

2011-08-11T20:27:00.002+08:00

the computer's finally back oh yes :-) the happiness from having something you're so used to having around back again is just so great. kinda nostalgic. okay it's just a computer so i'm overreacting.

tomorrow's friday. that was fast and i'm really glad. i'm really tired and unmotivated. not doing well in school lately yet here i am. because my brother's throwing a huge bitchfit right now, this is all i've got to say. cya dudz

#241: the only hope for me is you

2011-08-10T09:53:00.003+08:00

posting this through my bb, you can only imagine how much i love it and how dependent i am on my bb oh gosh i honestly think i wouldnt be able to survive without it haha

so. firework spotting yesterday was absolutely lovely. didnt spot much of the fireworks but the company was good enough. had some great fun.

gonna head out later to meet belwee, sam and jen, but now, it's breakfast at home!

ttfn :-)

#240: i am over over thinking

2011-08-09T10:13:00.004+08:00

so the computer's down right now so i'm blogging this through pops' laptop :-( it used to be one of the better computers in the whole house but it's getting old, plus it's not really even his (it's more for work) to begin with so no surprise that it got rusty haha

i can't do anything because all my files are in my computer and i spend like uhm, 95% of my day in my room glued to my computer. i'm surprised my parents don't think there's anything wrong with that. haha the only accumulated skill i actually got from using the computer so often that's practical enough in everyday life is obviously how to type really fast without even looking at the keyboard, but then again mostly everyone can do that so it's not a skill haha. so now i'm left without tumblr, email and facebook on the computer (these things are painfully slow to check anyway else haha). actually it doesn't bug me since i hardly check these things these days and i'm never on msn so there's nothing to worry about. and i've got access to twitter through my phone and itouch so all's fine. but just thinking of the accumulated spam i'll see when i finally get my computer fixed bugs me haha.

in case anyone was wondering my computer was down because my brother decided to return the favour by crashing it even after i so generously let him use my computer /cough cough
haha wow this post is long and unecessary. i'm just hoping my computer comes out fine with none of my files/bookmarks on mf disturbed 'cause i hate accumulating my web addresses one by one again - it's such a hassle!

i just realised my posts make more sense and are actually like 5% more interesting when i'm posting through my own computer. haha that's it then! till i even bother ranting anymore to anyone who even cares about this space, Happy National Day :-) i'm actually supposed to meek niko + vanessa to head out later but obviously we're not very hardworking or punctual people. we never plan stuff properly haha. hopefully the roads aren't blocked and it's not that congested so we can actually find a nice, quiet (not eerily quiet though) and peaceful spot to watch the fireworks and stuff idk haha.

cya dudz :-)

#239: it's all about the stats

2011-08-07T16:53:00.002+08:00

national day celebrations in school are an utter waste of time as much as i love singapore. that's just me speaking the truth :-)

i'm glad i finally got around to changing the blogskin. 3 DAYS OF FREEDOM HERE I COME. oright, right after i finish math and geog :-(

#238: that you've found a girl and you're married now

2011-08-05T19:22:00.003+08:00

this is J. i love my J :-)

CT3 IS OVERRRRRRRRRRR I AM SUCH A HAPPY KID KKKK
that being said, i can't wait to hang out with evreebady during the 3 day break. time for dinz, then i'll start to complete homework so i'll be burden-free. facial tomorrow with mumsy after like 321654974634 months my skin is in such terrible condition oh gosh. tuition after and then it's free day on sunday (okay i keed pls sunday is family day). monday's gonna be sucha bore what with school celebrations and shit but okay i'll go with it.
also, can't w8 to get most of the papers back though i know i failed practically every imaginable subject.

things are going terrible downhill from here

#237: transverse

2011-07-29T19:55:00.004+08:00

wherever you are, go with the knowledge that God shall and will be with you because there is undeniably none like Him

school has just been draining. ct3 starts on monday and i'm neither motivated nor prepared. i haven't been doing so well lately and i'm doing terribly for double math. i've lost sight of my goals and it's only the people i see everyday and spend time with that're keeping me sane and cheery in school. i miss everyone else so bad, really. can't wait for the day i'm actually gonna get free time and meet up with everyone else again!!! till then, gotta start hitting the books right now so cya duds

#236: these things we fight so hard for

2011-07-26T18:10:00.011+08:00

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
every time i feel so down, this is one of those songs i can just depend on :-)

every time you forget me and every time i see that particular name that makes my gut burn down and the pain race to my heart, i just can't wait to die. i can't wait to cry rivers because you never bothered about me. even though you said you always would (and all the things i really don't want to remember right now - all the things you said yourself). but right now, i've been so torn down, so disappointed and downright broken by you. so much so that i can't even feel myself getting upset anymore. actually i still do get upset. but the thing is that after so many times, i'm just so used to it. there's this strong lingering of past experiences and expectation because i know exactly what will happen and disappointment will ensue. again. i know history will repeat itself and i know i can't trust you. which is why time after time again, i refuse to go back. i refuse to continue a dying conversation. which is why i refuse to remain friends, but can we really? seeing how i'll probably end up seeing you anyway in the months to come.

#234: i tried

2011-07-24T12:25:00.003+08:00

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. after so long you finally decided you would leave me broken by myself when i was the most vulnerable because you got sick of me and because she was already in your life, for that, i fucking hate you.

there, i said it.

#233: it's a matter of time

2011-07-18T18:09:00.002+08:00

the truth is i want to take a risk, i want to live, i want to not be afraid of people, not be afraid of love, not be afraid of loss, not be afraid of the way people condemn me, not fear about how tomorrow will unravel itself, not be afraid of the future. i want to not fret for my days, i want to be able to do what i want and not explain it to the people i have to be impressionable to, i want to be able to stop worrying about the people that i'll lose that won't understand. i want to try new things, listen to new music, be more adventurous, screw things up everyday, i want to live loud, i want to do things because i felt like it. i want to do the things that would make me happy.

the truth is i can't, but either way, i'll try.

#232: THIS IS AN SJC APPRECIATION POST

2011-07-17T11:14:00.005+08:00

no idea who even reads this space but i'll just post to past the time. carnival yesterday was gr8 really. actually it was shit ass boring but i enjoyed seeing everyone and roaming around with J :-) nice catching up with everyone in a while. i look major cui in most pictures but it doesn't matter ~ thank God for all of 'em and more, seriously. lovin' them all!

PS, isn't densieeeee's baby sister just the cutest?? haha she's so adorable + stubborn like den herself!

#231: static

2011-07-08T22:01:00.003+08:00

school is driving me oh-so-crazy but i wouldn't have it any other way. at least i know i got my focus back for the times i need it so desperately, yes?

#230: divulge

2011-07-02T21:50:00.006+08:00

nostalgia is a funny thing darling;

my case is always different. i always have everything but nothing at all

#229: would you change yourself for the person you never really knew about?

2011-06-30T16:10:00.003+08:00

there's so many things i'd fight and struggle for in my life. studies, happiness and choir are just a few. and the thing is that sometimes no matter how hard you fight, you just have to step back and watch things go by. sometimes you should let things go, other a times, never. because if you were meant to get through this, the passion would be ignited, and the love, set ablaze, would lift you up enough to carry on.

when something you don't disclose to the world breaks you, it's like not knowing what to do, where to turn to. you can't exactly just talk about it, but then why did you put yourself in that position to be hurt? that lose-lose situation just because it promised happiness first?

#228: facing the ghosts that decide

2011-06-28T21:29:00.007+08:00

car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back?
all those words came undone, and now i'm not the only one.
still i'm searching for something, out of breath, i am left hoping someday, i'll breathe again

my - all - time - favourite - yeshe's the air i would kill to breathe (found this? look closer)
i'm left to decide how much hurt and light i let into my life when i know how much already exists
this is a bold step and hardly anyone understands. most of those that do never stay long, those that don't never planned to

#227: and it took so long just to feel alright

2011-06-26T17:18:00.003+08:00

i was just remembering how empty i felt and how things fell apart this fast
even after we had our happy times

blog skin change soon, y/y? something non-navigational and preferably TM-made yes? ;-) okay i get i always say i want to change the skin but never really end up deciding and getting to it + i can't believe i'm actually here posting when i should be seizing the last day of holidays before tomorrow comes and spoils my fun :'-( i guess it's obvious that i'm that bored after re-watching episode 19 of CLIF which i quite like (i don't know why people think it sucks... HAHA. i haven't liked a channel 8 drama for like ages already because they always produce sub-standard shows. the last local show i luuuuvvvvved was 拍卖 on channel U :-))

i finished filing + rushing homework after procrastinating the whole holiday quite a while back so i have nothing left to do :'-(

i'm overboard i can't swim on my own
before you left out that door i could've sworn i had my heart laid on the floor -
for you

#226: the anthems i used to live by

2011-06-25T12:01:00.005+08:00

i'm standing under a white flag, oh, can you see me, oh, can you see me, oh

i know as i grow up with this blog, the posts are bound to change but maybe i should stop posting so many undisclosed, depressing posts every once in a while and talk more about life in a more enthusiastic way. i seldom post about my day here and i miss how it used to be. HAHAHA. i was backdating my posts, so you can't really blame me!!! somehow i really regret deleting my posts from 2009 and before, so i couldn't read any further back. boring :-( it's always interesting to re-visit the past somehow :-)

universal's AGAIN, a year on with the same group of mah favourite gaiz again yesterday was A-MAY-ZING! as cheryl likes to call it, "same date, same people, same place, same time, same awesomeness!" :-) so so so thankful for the opportunities, moments, memories, people and everything. i really thank God for them and for yesterday (and maybe every day)! ♡ so much difference people can make in your life, really. cheryl and kerri rode battlestar close to seven times (like whoa) while i only rode it once (because i was forced dlkhfasjhflash) and gave up. jo and i had weak stomachs and a terribly low tolerance for outdoor rollercoasters so jo rode it twice and i only rode it once. and once was enough to bring me to tears thank you very much. negl, i hate heights and fast-moving things and outdoor rollercoasters that much. combine three into one and you have me on a crazy, tearing rampage :-( nonetheless, i sort of don't regret it. it was fun, but freaken frightening. i'm so glad we relived everything.

alrighteyz, tuition later + school reopens on monday :-( keeeellllll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee please, someone :'-( at least i had a gr8 holiday so nothing lost! ♡

PS, guess which loser up there got drenched for the third time at Rapid's yesterday? she just has no luck, even a year on! HAHA (i'll give you a hint, it's the second from the left ^^)
PPS, she's gonna kill me when she sees this, but at least someone kills me before school reopens hehe ;-)

you don't have to be in water to feel like you're already drowning

#225: drowning in your neverending despair

2011-06-21T14:49:00.005+08:00

should i be sorry if what i'm doing isn't enough to make you realise you still mean the world to me?

i just refuse to sit by and watch you waste your own youth - your very life - away

#224: anyone that'll listen

2011-06-14T19:25:00.004+08:00

what i hate about feeling and actually being so emotionally attached to people is that they can walk into your life without warning and walk out without explanation and leave you feeling completely helpless. you still feel like you need them, you feel like you're disappointed, but they actually gave you something to believe in and made you happy. what choice do you have?

#223: the finest cracks in the best porcelain

2011-06-13T22:05:00.005+08:00

sometimes i wonder why i love being alone so much but detest loneliness. maybe it's always been a part of me to enjoy the thinking part of being left alone. that i can do anything - be anyone - without someone thinking otherwise of me, because it was easy to do what made me happy. because every time i hang out with someone, i have to be perfectly regular and presentable. because when i hang out with them, i always or often screw up. i say the wrong things, piss them off, do something stupid to hurt people or myself and i don't know how to clean that mess up. it never happens when i'm alone. all i have to answer to is to myself. maybe i just like the thinking, the silence, the quiet. the few moments where the universe is so in line and everything seems regular and perfect. where i don't have to be impressionable. where i can express myself. or maybe i just like things to be all about me. maybe.

but i hate loneliness. it eats a part of you. having so much to say, but no one to say it to. no one is there listening. lonely and quiet is only good for a while, when a part of you has dissolved and accepted that there is only so much you can think about before something goes wrong. but the thing about feeling completely lonely is different from being left alone. the emptiness is so hollow, so to speak. i prefer it when i'm expected to just do something and people don't watch. or watch but don't question. so i don't like to make conversation. i always like to act like i'm busy so no one has a reason to ask me to speak, to converse; for a reason where i have to express myself so people know what i'm like just for someone to know who i am within those few minutes of conversation. i don't like talking to the people who don't know who i'm really like, to the people who expect something of me before anything.
maybe because everytime i'm near someone, i have this impression that they're just going to end up making me upset or hurting me like everyone else does eventually. maybe i grew up gradually under the impression that i will fight with everyone i talk to in present, just like i already do. i don't want everything to end up like that.

sorry, just saying.

#222: a bit too little for more than enough

2011-06-11T17:17:00.014+08:00

click to expand

skin change? y/n? sheesh, why am i even asking anyone since no one reads this space and it's practically unlikely for someone to give me an opinion. i just know i've been wanting a skin change for long now and i took about 2 days to customise that skin from the original but i'm still hesitating + undecided on changing it. no point making it look complicated and pretty when hardly anyone reads this space, so. maybe i'll get creative. whatever it is, i have never and i will never think of shutting this blog down. whatever happens to this webpage, i value this private and forsaken (in a good way) space very much. sometimes i think of this as a better place to let all of my thoughts go and my words flow. it's an important part and it'll just remain here mundanely tucked into a simple corner till i decide how to change it :-) in the mean time, care to visit some others? ;-)

on another note, 2 weeks of the holiday is close to over. that is in-bloody-sane. why doesn't time ever pass THIS fast when i'm having lessons o m g. and i don't think steph ever signed us up for famine camp. HAHAHAHA. either that or the list was never confirmed nor submitted. owell, more food for us ;-)
oh also, countdown!!! 13 DAYS MORE TILL OUR SECOND VISIT TO USS EXACTLY A YEAR ON. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I love mumsy, albeit i fight with her basically 24/7.

for entertainment right now (i'm all out of it :-(), here's a meme i stole from my best girl :-) this has been an unexpectedly and rare happy post (don't bet on this, i've never sounded so cheery in my posts before. whoa. but it won't last so owell)

200: My name is: beatrix
199: I was born on: 3/12
198: I am really: blunt even though i'm better with words
197: My cell phone company is: Apple (sony ericsson forever \m/ , but my phone died so i'm using my dad's iphone as a temp phone)
196: My eye color is: brown
195: My shoe size is: Eu 37
194: My ring size is: i don't really wear rings 'cause my knuckles are kind of big
193: My height is: 1.50++
192: I am allergic to: bullshit (not to be taken literally though trololol)
191: I was born in: sunny singapore
190: I live in: solitude lol
189: Last book you read: Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
188: My bed is: suddenly the best thing ever at 545 on any school day
187: My pet: is nonexistent
186: My best friend: cheryl is my #1 girl, niko + j + vt + isabel = favourite 4 life :-)
185: My favorite shampoo is: sunsilk ~
184: AIM name: same as real name ~
183: Piggy Banks are: where my coins are always dropped in
182: In my pockets: nothing
181: On my calendar: dates for june :-)
180: Marriage is: unity and love
179: Sponge Bob can: cook krabby patties hehe
178: My mom: is my worst enemy but will forever be my first and most important friend
177: The last three cd's I bought were: DVDs
176: Last YouTube video watched: Natasha Bedingfield's Little Too Much :-)
175: How many cousins do you have: 60+ on the paternal side, 20+ on the maternal
174: Do you have any siblings: elder brother
173: Are your parents divorced: nope :-)
172: Are you taller than your mom?: no :-(
171: Do you play an instrument?: recorder. HAHAHAHA
170: What did you do yesterday: watch the best movie evarrrrrrrrr (refer below)

I Believe In:
169: Love at first sight: yeappp
168: Luck: yuuuuup
167: Fate: no doubt
166: Yourself: yeap
165: Aliens: noooope
164: Heaven: absolutely :-)
163: Hell: uh huh
162: God: with unwavering faith, yes!
161: Horoscopes: sure
160: Soul mates: definitely :-)
159: Ghosts: yes lmfao
158: Gay Marriage: yes. legalize gay!!!! marriage is based on love, not gender, age or differences.
157: War: i know it exists, i just don't believe in the need for it, so no.
156: Orbs: nah
155: Magic: no need for it. prayers are better :-)

Which is Better
154: Hugs or Kisses: depends
153: Drunk or High: no preference
152: Phone or Online: can't choose ~
151: Red heads or Black haired: black i guess, but it really depends
150: Blondes or Brunettes: no preference :-)
149: Hot or cold: a bit of both so i can't really pick
148: Summer or winter: i can't really pick, it depends :-)
147: Autumn or Spring: both!!!!
146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla ice cream, chocolate bar. both ^^
145: Night or Day: depends depends depends!
144: Oranges or Apples: both :>
143: Curly or Straight hair: wavy please?
142: McDonalds or Burger King: macs of course
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: both!!!!
140: Mac or PC: PC anyday
139: Flip flops or high heels: flip flops :>
138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor: sexy and poor? cause you can always make a living, but you shouldn't destroy the looks God gave you.
137: Coke or Pepsi: neither. yuck.
136: Hillary or Obama: obama :-)
135: Buried or cremated: save land, pick cremation. lololol
134: Singing or Dancing: both. but slightly biased towards singing ;-)
133: Coach or Chanel: chanel i guess
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: neither
131: Small town or Big city: big city :-)
130: Wal-Mart or Target: both? :>
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: both equally funny i guess
128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure :>
127: East Coast or West Coast: depends on the situation (and the view /trololol)
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas, because birthdays are merely for an individual, but christmas is for everyone, and to celebrate christ :-)
125: Chocolate or Flowers: both are equally nice and thoughtful :-)
124: Disney or Six Flags: disney!!!!
123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither

Here's What I Think About
122: War: terrible and unnecessary
121: George Bush: dnw
120: Gay Marriage: should be legalised
119: The presidential election: no views
118: Abortion: horrific.
117: MySpace: prehistoric
116: Reality TV: sometimes interesting
115: Parents: depends
114: Back stabbers: haters gonna hate
113: Ebay: prehistoric
112: Sex: no views
111: Work: tough :-(
110: My Neighbors: distant (the irony)
109: Gas Prices: sky high
108: Designer Clothes: unnecessary
107: College: far away
106: Sports: neutral
105: My family: number 1
104: The future: terrifying

Last time I
103: Hugged someone: ages ago :-(
102: Last time you ate: a snack 5 minutes ago
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: i don't really know.
100: Cried in front of someone: april
99: Went to a movie theater: yesterday :>>>
98: Took a vacation: a year ago
97: Swam in a pool: last week?
96: Changed a diaper: never /trololol
95: Got my nails done: last week :-)
94: Went to a wedding: a long time ago.
93: Broke a bone: never had, never will
92: Got a piercing: in primary school lolol
91: Broke the law: nah never had, never will
90: Texted: j!!!

MISC
89: Who makes you laugh the most: anyone who's funny. basically most likely isabel + nats + vt
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: people at home :-(
87: The last movie I saw: SOMETHING BORROWED!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) ♡♡♡
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: for now? uss with my bbgs again :-)
85: The thing I'm not looking forward to: school lol
84: People call me: trix. EVERYONE. omg
83: The most difficult thing to do is: act like i'm not bothered and like i've moved on.
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nah
81: My zodiac sign is: sagittarius
80: The first person i talked to today was: my domestic helper lol
79: First time you had a crush: primary 3. HAHAHA what terrible taste. thank God it got better
78: The one person who i can't hide things from: isabel, my h2h bud :-)
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: nicole, yesterday. HAHA
76: Right now I am talking to: no one #foreveralone
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: i wanna dabble in forensic science or anything to do with science/work in the investigation (police!!!) line :-) (and no it's not inspired by CLIF or anything, it's something i wanted to do since i started secondary school). either that or business
74: I have/will get a job: yeah like 10 years later loljk /troll
73: Tomorrow: is sunday and monday comes afterwards (i had to improv!)
72: Today: is saturday
71: Next Summer: is far away :-(
70: Next Weekend: CHALETTTTTTTTT
69: I have these pets: that don't exist
68: The worst sound in the world: your own heart breaking
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: the one that got away.
66: People that make you happy: so many i don't know where to start ♡♡♡
65: Last time I cried: yesterday.
64: My friends are: an AMAZING, ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT bunch! :-) ♡
63: My computer is: old :-(
62: My School: CHIJ SJC #ijpride
61: My Car: can fly. that's why it's missing. loljk
60: I lose all respect for people who: cannot keep secrets + are spoilt
59: The movie I cried at was: SOMETHING BORROWED!!!!! :-) ♡♡ and maybe Morning Glory as well hehe i love these two
58: Your hair color is: brown ~
57: TV shows you watch: refer to extended profile
56: Favorite web site: twitter + tumblr
55: Your dream vacation: hawaii, new york, paris, london, USA (LA, hollywood, malibu, bev hills etc etc)
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: too many to start
53: How do you like your steak cooked: i hate steak :/
52: My room is: boring and too small
51: My favorite celebrity is: refer to profile/extended profile
50: Where would you like to be: anywhere but here ~ loljk
49: Do you want children: i don't know, i haven't decided
48: Ever been in love: yeah :-(
47: Who's your best friend: lmao didn't i answer this already?
46: More guy friends or girl friends: GIRLS. ~~WHO RUN THE WORLD? (GIRLS)~~
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when people tell you they miss you, how much they want to see you, when people give you a hug, when they tell you how much they matter to you, when they tell you how they feel about you, when people come clean with you, when they tell you how much they care, etc etc.
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: isabel? :-(
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: nah 1 year is bad enough
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: bucket listttttttt no. HAHA
41: Have you pre-named your children: HAHAHAHA kindergarten yah
40: Last person I got mad at: mumsy :-( i'm sorry ~
39: I would like to move to: town. HAHA
38: I wish I was a professional: chef/manicurist idk lolololol

My Favorites
37: Candy: i prefer chocolate
36: Vehicle: mercedes ~
35: President: obama? i don't know.
34: State visited: no preferences ~
33: Cell Phone Provider: star-to-tha-hub yo
32: Athlete: no preferences
31: Actor: HAHA i can't really pick
30: Actress: no preference ~ basically i can't pick either
29: Singer: refer to (extended) profile
28: Band: refer to (extended) profile ~
27: Clothing Store: not a label whore so i frequent same locations, not a particular store. but i like topshop and f21 i guess. the usual ~
26: Grocery Store: giant? :>
25: TV show: CLIF!!!!! HAHA no preference actually ~
24: Movie: SOMETHING BORROWED OMGAH!!!!! morning glory, never say never, 500 days of summer, wild child etc i don't know i'm not a movie junkie but i like chick flicks.
23: Website: people's blogs? HAHA or social sites and blogshops? online shopping ~
22: Animal: owls + hippos + cows + pigs? :> i luv pigs ♡
21: Theme Park: Universal Studios :>
20: Holiday: refer above
19: Sport to watch: no preference
18: Sport to play: captain's ball?
17: Magazine: seventeen singapore? :>
16: Book: no particular favourites.
15: Day of the week: any day where i'm free + it's a good day
14: Beach: no particular favourite
13: Concert Attended: KOREAN POP NIGHT CONCERT 2010 :">
12: Thing to cook: maggie mie ('cause it's the only thing i can cook) HAHAHA
11: Food: sushi, home cooked food, i don't really know 'cause i can't think of any at the moment :>
10: Restaurant: i used to frequent quite a few but i forgot all my favourites.
9: Radio Station: 98.7fm, 91.3? :-)
8: Yankee Candle scent: no favourite scent. anything sweet + light
7: Perfume: i don't know.
6: Flower: roses/sunflowers? :-)
5: Color: black/white/blue/red? no preference.
4: Talk Show host: no favourite.
3: Comedian: any one who makes me laugh
2: Dog Breed: A POMSKY OMG BLARDY ADORABLE THESE GUYS!!!!!
1: Are you ready for this survey to be over?: Yes like finally zomg

PS: I caught Something Borrowed with VT + Niko yesterday. IT WAS AMAZING. Or maybe it's just 'cause I for one can relate to the story quite well and I love chick flicks :'-)

#221: now there's only me and the lonely

2011-06-10T14:50:00.003+08:00

do you remember how the jealousy kills? the ache when you see something that makes you want to curl up and cry? i never could call you mine because all we could have been isn't enough to stand for how much i wish we would've worked out and how much we're far apart. i still get jealous. even after 3 years. and it's enough to bring me to tears in half a minute. but i have to fight it down because i will never be enough and i should know where i stand. i don't matter to you and i was always awkward around you so i should've known this would happen. i just thought you would be different. different from how i was used to being treated by everyone else because for once in my life, it felt like i was an important part of someone who was an extremely important part of me. 70% says no, 30% says go. it's all about the figures in my head. but that little amount is enough to keep me fighting and convincing myself. guess i should stop.

#220: in an act of pure defiance i broke her heart

2011-06-04T10:22:00.005+08:00

this holiday is full of nothing but shopping. i'm still hesitating on whether i should invest in this denim sleeveless overcoat/vest thing that'll cost me 73 buxxxx :-( it's a lot to pay for something that isn't even a blouse. i'd call it a secondary statement. and then there's the pair of shoes from fourskin or bugis street that look like toms. oh gosh i need a miracle.

#219: one day when the sky is falling

2011-06-01T12:01:00.003+08:00

when you love someone, you don't question anything. you accept everything. maybe somethings you don't like, others you favour especially much, but all in all, you can't find a single thing where a major fault lies. you take it as it is. you don't seem to be able to find a reason as to why you love them, you just do. you can be so much as comfortable around them. it's like you know them too well, but love them anyway.

#218: love is the weapon for this wounded generation

2011-05-29T18:44:00.006+08:00

TO LOVE IS TO LET GO EVEN IF YOU WERE TOO HURT IN THE FIRST PLACE

#217: that we meet in the middle

2011-05-26T09:42:00.002+08:00

in someone's easy quest for the best, people get hurt.

you were never entirely ashamed of me back then, and i respect that. thank you for making me feel of importance. mission made me understand so much more yesterday. it still sucks, but at least things feel more whole because i understand why. all the best to you and i'll always be here. praise God for enlightenment!

#216: you said you needed a little time for my mistakes,

2011-05-22T15:33:00.004+08:00

so close but so so so far apart. i'm having strained relationships with everyone.

it feels like nothing would have mattered. the only person that mattered walked out. gave up on you. the worst part is you're left feeling the same way anyway. you're left hanging by a thread. you want to give up on yourself because you have every reason to. you know you could've been happy but it was all too late. it all happened too late and you can't relive anything even if you try. why can't i just get over it and move on? i'm so exhausted from believing in everybody and from being me. i know i probably shouldn't complain but really? you think you know everything? no one wants to listen. no one. and i'm not kidding.

#215: today is never too late to be brand new

2011-05-18T18:49:00.006+08:00

this would just be another point-form post;

i didn't do very well for mid-years. expected.
i sense a hell lot of nagging when PTM comes at the end of this term
WOO HOO I CAN'T WAIT FOR JUNE. I NEED TO MAKE MORE PLANS BECAUSE I LEFT SO MANY DAYS OPEN THIS YEAR. I hope I have free days after I take into account the days I have to go back to school :-)
i need more clothes + Never Say Never on DVD. that would seriously, genuinely, honestly, totally make my week.
i am so tired of feeling so used. like a second option. and dreary. i hate emptiness, loneliness and overthinking. why oh why.
i thought the end of exams meant more free days and 'me-time' after school to go home and take naps :-( turns out, i'm even busier. with investiture, workshops, meetings and last minute plans.
can't wait for free days though. and i hope i don't miss any of my plans/forget any events (i have a tendency to do that)
till i have anything else, have a good remaining day, happy people :-)

#214: now i'm a dead man walking walking walking

2011-05-17T11:25:00.003+08:00

unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong. ♥

my eyes are some droopy shit there :-(

#213: we're ten thousand miles apart

2011-05-14T19:57:00.002+08:00

people can always feel so close yet so far apart.

have you ever thought of me while you were just sitting there? has there never been a day that goes by where you don't think of me? of course not. (you never told me how much i meant so i'll just walk away. you do too anyway. even though i already told you.)

#212: cry a river why won't you

2011-05-12T08:48:00.000+08:00

i've always wondered why i decided to keep this blog - no one reads it anyway. it's like keeping a piece of me and setting it out for the world to see. but then i realised why. i guess the idea of being able to be the one in charge of my own public journal with my own ideas - own ideologies of what this could be - it seemed pretty enticing. and thinking back, i do like backdating and realising what my life had been. how and when it'd gone totally downhill, or how i expressed myself back then. some are just amusing and some sort of amaze me, because i don't believe i would say things like that back then. whatever it is, i'm proud of this blog. even if no one gives a shit. i just like letting all the frustration go here, maybe the strongest point about this is that no one reads it, or i probably couldn't even post anything without being afraid of what people would think.

backdating, i realised how the things i lost were the things i loved most. i realised how i probably should've expected things to go downhill. all downhill. i realised how this probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. or that's what i always think. i realise how everything i had feared has already come true. and it's pretty much the way things are today.

if you meet a mess, i'm your best bet.

#211: to say the least is none at all,

2011-05-08T20:40:00.003+08:00

is it my fault i expect people to care? it suddenly hit me that i'll probably never feel the same things again. that you probably won't. that i have to cope for the rest of my life with the fact that you'll be over this and that we'll move on without any recollection of this. for the umpteenth time, i feel so fucking broken because i still care. i still care. i still care. and the only thing that's tearing us apart is you. because you forgot. you're over. you don't care. this is okay to you. this is not okay to me. i feel like a dreary mess. i feel like you don't mean what you say. like i'll spend everyday realising that everything was a lie, was a joke. i feel like you probably don't need me. i feel like i was just a substitute. i wasted time, emotions. i wasted so much. worst part is it feels like my feelings were a joke. everything you said was a joke. tell me you still care. tell me you still hope i'm in your life. tell me when you're upset, it's because of me. tell me that you still think about me. please. then again,

they're all lies.

#210: i'm gonna put you first

2011-05-05T15:53:00.006+08:00

GIF of KUTESIE GIGGLING JB that isn't mine just because i can :>

my four-day holiday starts today just because monday is polling day holiday and i have no paper tomorrow, so it's gonna be a long weekend left to half productive studying and apparently, half relaxation (i get lazy okay?). mid-years are halfway through, breathing in the excitement already!!!! :-) huge urge to shop, meet up with people, go back to USS with m'dearies and do lots of artsy shit. basically just waste time not studying and not doing anything productive because that's what holidays are. omg and basically, i can't wait to start exercising already. even have friday the 13th already all set for V ~ all that would complete my life is basically NSN on DVD, whooop :-)

who do you think you are, running around leaving scars? collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart.
nice to know how much you think about me, because this is practically hopeless. need. to. move. on. you don't give a fuck anyway, so this doesn't help.

#209: i am alone at the crossroads

2011-04-29T15:40:00.005+08:00

you build walls, hide weakness, act like you're strong, like you don't have emotions, don't want to fall in love, have nothing to fear, but one day someone comes and climbs over these walls. you feel less than alone, someone made you feel happy. you're not empty anymore. but one day, they climbed out. you build them higher, stronger. so it's harder to break them down, to get past them. so one day you'll know that someone who actually could break those walls are the people who try to hardest. till then, you just wait in solitude.