i'm not brilliant or perfect. i'm not even lovable to say the least. but i'm always so afraid. yes i can take chances, but i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't like to get close to people, i like corners. i like where no one can see me so no one who doesn't care enough won't let me down, so that no one who doesn't really want me won't leave me. i make it hard for people to reach me so no one can hurt me. so that no one who can't see past that corner i'm in can break me. i'm afraid. yes i've been hurt, but i've been so hurt so many damn times i can't remember what it was like to meet someone new who won't leave me hanging in the end. in the end all i have will be the people who bothered enough to stay till the end while everyone just walks in and out as they please. but so many people have walked out it's like i can't even remember what it was like for someone to walk in and change something. i'm afraid everyone will disappoint me, hurt me, forget me. i'm afraid of falling flat again and again. most of all, i don't want people to walk in and out like this doesn't matter at all. like feelings are dispensible. i don't want every person i meet to walk out, just the bad ones. i don't want to drift or anyone to leave. i know they always do in the end, though. maybe that's why i'm difficult.

my last gift, one last love.