sometimes i wonder why i love being alone so much but detest loneliness. maybe it's always been a part of me to enjoy the thinking part of being left alone. that i can do anything - be anyone - without someone thinking otherwise of me, because it was easy to do what made me happy. because every time i hang out with someone, i have to be perfectly regular and presentable. because when i hang out with them, i always or often screw up. i say the wrong things, piss them off, do something stupid to hurt people or myself and i don't know how to clean that mess up. it never happens when i'm alone. all i have to answer to is to myself. maybe i just like the thinking, the silence, the quiet. the few moments where the universe is so in line and everything seems regular and perfect. where i don't have to be impressionable. where i can express myself. or maybe i just like things to be all about me. maybe.

but i hate loneliness. it eats a part of you. having so much to say, but no one to say it to. no one is there listening. lonely and quiet is only good for a while, when a part of you has dissolved and accepted that there is only so much you can think about before something goes wrong. but the thing about feeling completely lonely is different from being left alone. the emptiness is so hollow, so to speak. i prefer it when i'm expected to just do something and people don't watch. or watch but don't question. so i don't like to make conversation. i always like to act like i'm busy so no one has a reason to ask me to speak, to converse; for a reason where i have to express myself so people know what i'm like just for someone to know who i am within those few minutes of conversation. i don't like talking to the people who don't know who i'm really like, to the people who expect something of me before anything.
maybe because everytime i'm near someone, i have this impression that they're just going to end up making me upset or hurting me like everyone else does eventually. maybe i grew up gradually under the impression that i will fight with everyone i talk to in present, just like i already do. i don't want everything to end up like that.

sorry, just saying.